Reader Back For More Advice writes,
Hey Dr. Psych Mom, this is part update and part more-advice-please! The update is that I am finally learning to love myself! It takes time but it can be done, and I can testify to how much better life is as a result. The things that have helped: going to Al-Anon (which is a 12 step program for people impacted by someone else’s drinking – my dad was alcoholic); using positive self-affirmations (which I always used to sneer at but they do help when done regularly); having a picture of a 3 year old me as my phone screensaver (I didn’t want to look at her the first few months of this, then I was kind of indifferent, now I think ‘aw’ and feel loads of love for her whenever I see the picture pop up), and lastly, treating myself as someone worthy of love. That means asking for help and paying attention to my needs. It’s a work in progress but that’s the update bit…
Now the advice bit: I’ve been in a new relationship for a year with a wonderful kind man (I now see that my ex husband is alexithymic and it is so wonderful to allow myself to be with someone responsive and able to articulate their feelings). The problem is my kids – one is a teenager and the other has Aspergers. They are both horribly resistant to spending time with my boyfriend.
They live 3 days a week with their dad with whom I have a pretty amicable, if distant, relationship. We split 3 years ago and he moved out 18 months ago. My boyfriend and I met a year ago and the kids have known him for 10 months now.
I brought my boyfriend’s dog into the home for an hour 2 weeks ago and even that was preceded by a solid hour and a half of meltdown by my youngest. I think with regular visits we can get the dog thing to be acceptable and I recognise I need to go slow because of my son’s autism (and my daughter’s teenagerdom!) but what’s the next step and how else can I help things along?
I’m still in the marital home which I can see may make things more painful. I’ve read that the best thing would be to get my ex to talk nicely about me having a boyfriend but I don’t think he’s capable of that due to his alexithymia. He agreed to try once but it ended badly (not surprising as he interrupted a game my son was playing by announcing ‘we need to talk about mum’s boyfriend’ at which my son ran off and hid in the shed). So what else can I do?
I’m so happy to finally have someone affectionate and kind in my life and want my kids and him to all be in my life together – for all our sakes. He is being very patient but finds it really hard that things aren’t progressing between us – we want to be together. My eldest is in counseling but the 10 year old refuses. Any advice greatly appreciated and thanks again for your advice the first time round too.
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Dear BFMA,
I am so glad that you are working through your childhood issues and have found a partner that is good to you. It is extremely hard to change your mindset, and you have done so. Some would say it is even harder to find love after divorce, and you’ve done that too. So you should be very proud of yourself.
Turning to your current issue, I can see why you are upset. You feel guilty about hurting your kids, especially in the wake of the divorce, but you find it increasingly difficult and disingenuous to keep the people you love most (your kids and your boyfriend) in separate spheres. You feel bad for your boyfriend, who wants to be given a chance to be part of your kids’ lives.
Teenage years are difficult, and this is when kids are most likely to dislike a parent’s new partner. And of course, kids on the autism spectrum often hate and fear change. So you are 0 for 2 in the odds that this will be an easy transition. Actually it’s 0 for 3 because your ex-husband is not capable of facilitating a better transition on his end (although to be honest, very few ex-spouses want to play much of a role in their kids’ relationship with their ex’s new partner, alexithymic or not).
I have no idea how often you have your kids and your boyfriend spend time together, but it sounds like you are wary of doing this too much. This is, to be blunt, not fair to you. Your children have known of the existence of your partner for 10 months. If they are allowed to call the shots on how much time he spends with you and with them, then they are being given too much power. You are the adult, and you are in a loving relationship of a year. The kids can choose whether or not to like your boyfriend, but they cannot choose whether to be polite to him.
I suggest that you work with a therapist on why you have allowed your kids to dictate the terms of your relationship to this marked of a degree. If your father was an alcoholic (and you’ve attested to significant self-esteem issues), you are probably used to enabling dysfunctional behavior and ignoring your own needs in favor of someone else’s. This is what I think is happening here with your kids. You are allowing them to make your life a lot harder just because they don’t like the idea of your boyfriend.
I encourage you to sit down with your children and explain that your boyfriend is a nice guy and you love him a lot, and that, moving forward, he will be a greater part of your life, meaning that he will be present most of the time that you are with the kids. At some point it sounds like you want to live with your boyfriend and kids together, so you can also tell them that is a future possibility. Overall, you want to hit these points: (1) you love your kids, (2) you love your boyfriend, (3) you are an adult and you choose who to invite into your home, and (4) your boyfriend will never try to be their dad, but he is your partner and is looking forward to having a role in their lives.
There will be the expected tantrums or attitude, but persevere. You had a difficult childhood, a difficult marriage, and the theme is that you never put your needs first. If you want your kids to learn to assert their needs, you must show them that you can assert yours. This is part of being a functional adult role model.
I wish you luck, and keep me posted. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Modeling Healthy Adult Behavior For Your Kids Is The Most Healing Thing That Adult Children Of Dysfunctional Families Can Do!