Reader Not Confident Enough writes,
I’m a 44 year old mom of 2 girls (6 and 8) soon to divorce. My soon-to-be ex is not a narcissist, substance abuser, etc. and he is a great dad (we will be doing 50:50 custody). But, despite trying couples therapy repeatedly, things took a nosedive in our relationship and I feel I need to leave in order to escape the persistent tension and mutual resentment. I would leave this relationship even if it means being celibate forever, but I’m hoping not to be.
I’m not ready to date now, but I am repeatedly told that the landscape of age appropriate men for me is bleak and that doesn’t make this process any less depressing. I’m fit, financially set and I am doing my work to address my part in my marriage’s breakdown partly in the hopes that I might have another love story in my life. Is there any promising info you can give me on what my odds are and how I can best go about dating once I am ready?
Girl, you have come to the right place. All day long I tell my divorced clients not to listen to their naysaying, negative friends about their likelihood of finding a great new partner. Every single person I work with, literally without any exception, meets at least a couple of attractive, quality people within their first month or two of dating. Finding a new serious partner is obviously more difficult, because you’ll be pickier, but most divorced people I know have success at this as well.
There is a reason that dating after divorce is way easier now than in any prior generation. It is called… drumroll… dating apps. No longer does a 44 year old mom of two have to hire a sitter and go out to a random bar or a party where the likelihood of meeting an attractive, available, interesting man is low. Now, you can sit on the couch after your kids are asleep and chat with guys from Bumble, Tinder, OKCupid (where I met my fiancee), and more. You can weed through the guys who can’t carry on a conversation and the ones who are otherwise incompatible, and plan dates on your timeline with only guys you’re already at least a little bit interested in.
As for the guys your age, they are great! They are the same guys you were meeting in your first go-round of dating in your 20’s, but now they are divorced themselves. This makes most of them wiser, more empathic, and less cocky. If they are dads, they are also more nurturing and have the ability to take a wider perspective about life. Many of these guys are my clients, trying to learn about themselves in midlife, including why their first marriages failed, how they can be better partners to their next girlfriend/wife, and how to be the best dads they can be. Sensitive guys are a particularly good bet post-divorce.
If guys are setting their age ranges on these apps to include 44 year old women, they do not expect you to look like a 22 year old supermodel. They have likely been married and have kids and understand you are tired and busy and have some stretch marks. The most important variables that men seem to look for at this stage are affection, openness, and kindness. Many men ended their prior marriages feeling unloved, physically and emotionally. Most of them had sexless or virtually sexless marriages with what they felt were rigid or anxious women. (This isn’t 100% of men but I’m just painting with a broad brush to help you gain a sense of what’s out there. Of course if a guy thinks his ex’s anxiety was the sole reason for their divorce, this is a bad sign. He should know his contribution. But if you’re asking me anecdotally what guys think of ex-wives, it is rigid and anxious.) If you are openminded, physically affectionate, warm, and kind, you will not be lacking for dates and male interest.
In your dating profile, be warm, funny, and open. If you already know you will have a guard up, do not date until you have worked through your anxieties with a therapist. Read what I told this divorced, 43 year old woman who didn’t have any luck keeping men’s interest. If you’re not ready for sexual activity shortly after becoming interested in someone, then you will have a much tougher road ahead. As I said there, the last thing most men want after getting out of an intimacy desert in their previous marriage is to be with a new partner who doesn’t seem to want to be physically close.
Keep me posted on your dating, and stay positive. Keep in mind that your friends with sob stories may be difficult to date or they may have had bad luck. (And some of the people who tell you how rough it is to date after divorce are also unhappily married and subconsciously reassuring themselves that there is a good reason for them to stay.) You got this! And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Men Are Like Buses, Another One Comes Along Every 5 Minutes. (Women Are Also Like Buses, If You’re A Divorcing Guy Reading This, FWIW.)