Reader Boob Man writes,
Hi, love your blog and definitely need a woman’s perspective here. Donation on its way…
I’ve been dating a woman for a few years and are set to get married next spring. Just before we met, she had an unsuccessful breast reduction, meaning they grew back to original size. She made a comment this morning during breakfast that she is fed up with the size of her breasts (she is an E on a small frame) and intends to go through with another surgery at some point in the next year or two; and no, it is not at all medically necessary. I said nothing, mainly because I was in shock from hearing this for the first time and wanting to not be the guy that reacts and makes a comment (you know what I mean). She has been extremely clear that if I was not very tall and muscular, she would not be attracted to me and we would not be together.
I am not sure how to react or what to even say. I feel like this is an infuriating double standard. Just like she is only attracted to my physical appearance, I am only attracted to her body type. Am I justified in my reaction here? I am worried that if she goes through with the surgery, it will destroy our relationship.
Dear BM,
Sure, you are justified in your reaction. It is super disappointing to think that something you really love about her looks will go away. Unfortunately, just because I understand your reaction doesn’t mean there isn’t trouble ahead for this relationship. She wants this surgery and when she realizes your attraction to her is so wholly dependent on her breast size, she will likely feel hurt and angry. You will also feel very hurt and angry if she gets the surgery, and if she doesn’t get it for you, she will resent you.
Keep in mind that I totally understand the double standard. She is attracted you being tall and muscular, and you are equating that with her boobs. However, let me point out two things: (1) you will always be tall and you will likely be muscular for a long time, and (2) neither of these attributes causes you physical pain. In contrast, your girlfriend’s boobs probably cause her pain and her boobs will likely change significantly over time (a fairly short amount of time from say, age 25-35), as any woman who has aged and especially who has breastfed children will attest to.
You and your girlfriend both deserve someone who would love you even if you got disfigured, nevermind if you age normally. There’s a million 20-somethings saying stuff like, “I’ll always keep myself in shape even when I’m old/after I have kids” that feel like big idiots after ten years and a couple kids and a hell of a lot of stress that changes their body entirely. You cannot predict how life will change you. You may not be muscular forever, and if that means she will leave you, then get out of this now.
There is only one circumstance in which this relationship is viable and could be worked on. That is in the case that you deeply introspect about this and it is the fact that your girlfriend has made this decision without you that is upsetting you most. I do think that in a long term relationship, ideally, big decisions should be made with your partner’s input, even if you remain the primary decision maker about your own body.
If it is the fact that your girlfriend didn’t empathize with how you’d feel about losing her E cup boobs that is bothering you, and if acting in her own interest without consulting you is a long-standing pattern, then maybe there is something to work with here, and couples counseling could be in order (although I generally feel like if that’s required before marriage, it is a bad sign). But, if it is literally that a change in her breast size will destroy your attraction to her, get out now. Note: Tell her that I said to get the surgery and THEN find a boyfriend, so that she can be sure the new guy likes her post-surgery boobs.
As for you, I suggest that you figure out if you could imagine there being a woman so appealing to you (and I am talking personality, looks, way of being in the world, her entire self) that you would remain attracted to her even if her boobs became objectively smaller, droopier, or whatever else. If there is no such woman, keep on keepin’ on, dating women with big breasts, but make it clear that things will never progress to marriage and kids. But if you can imagine a woman existing who you would love even with small boobs, try hard to find this woman and cut your girlfriend loose so she can find a man who would love her body post-surgery.
Also, if you were raised in a very image-conscious household and/or by parents who tended toward narcissism, find a therapist and work on these issues. My gut tells me that you are deeper than this email would suggest. You may have had primarily looks-based relationships throughout your life, but as you age, you may want something more fulfilling. Writing in this email to me may indicate that you yearn to be told that you are in fact being a jerk, and you may wonder what it would be like to love someone so much that their boobs aren’t the primary attraction. If this resonates with you, therapy is a wonderful way to explore how to grow into a different kind of man, a man you may get more fulfillment from being.
Keep me posted, and till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Or Else Threaten Her With A Spite Penis Reduction If You Don’t Want To Take The High Road.