Reader Teenager In Love writes,
I am 17 and live in [a Middle Eastern country]. There is a girl who I like. She has a boyfriend but the problem is that he treats her badly, is abusive, and breaks up with her yet she still loves him. By the way, her dad is also the same way. Anyway, the boyfriend is the one who is in control of this relationship and the girl I like has tried many times to solve this problem yet she fails every time. She feels that he’s protecting her like this. She thinks that she has a relationship just like Christian Grey and Anastasia in 50 Shades of Grey but without the contract and the intercourse part. The question is how should I convince her that this guy isn’t the right man for her?
Dear TIL,
There are many guys like you (here’s one, here’s another) who go for women who seem emotionally damaged in some way. Then then try and “rescue” these women, and it usually goes poorly. As you note yourself, this girl was raised by a dad who was as abusive as the guys that she is now attracted to. It is common, by the way, for adults (or teenagers) in intimate relationships to subconsciously try to replicate the dynamic they had with a caregiver when they were younger, for better or for worse. She associates a dominating and abusive man with a feeling of love and security. While I sincerely hope that she goes to therapy and works on these feelings before she ends up seriously hurt (and as I told you when you wrote to me, if you believe she is in physical danger, tell an adult and the authorities), this cannot become your issue.
As I said about your friend, people are attracted to dynamics that they observed at home growing up. Read the great book Getting The Love You Want to understand this dynamic more. It would not surprise me if you had a mother (or father) who needing rescuing, whether she was depressed, in an unhappy marriage, or something else. Now, as an older person, you gravitate subconsciously toward women who you can save in the way that you could never save your parent. It is also likely that you were a sensitive kid who acted as a parent’s confidante, and now you are back in a familiar dynamic where you act as a confidante for a girl in trouble.
But this girl does not want to be out of this relationship. She is idealizing it and she is not asking you to save her. While she may very much enjoy your devotion to her, and your emotional support may in fact make her feel very good, this relationship is one-sided and you are getting nothing out of it. You will certainly not get a reciprocal, loving relationship with this girl, even if she leaves him. She will likely keep being attracted to, for lack of a better word, jerks, until, possibly, many years down the road she has an epiphany and goes into therapy. Some people continue to be attracted to abusive partners for their whole lives, unfortunately. Do not bet on this horse. It is not going to win.
I suggest that you yourself seek therapy, as you seem like an introspective guy and should probably figure out what in your past is leading you into this sort of masochistic relationship where you listen to the girl you like tell you about her awesome abusive boyfriend. You should find a girlfriend who appreciates you and loves you, and I believe that is very possible. (If you don’t believe this, all the more reason to get into therapy.)
Oh and the answer to how to convince her how to leave him wasn’t included in this response, because you have more of a chance of turning into a unicorn. When people want to change, they do, and believing otherwise is a dangerous fantasy that will keep you locked in to no-win situations for your whole life. If you can trust me on this one, you will be a happier adult. Keep me updated, and please go on Tinder or whatever the equivalent is for your country and look around for some other, single, girls. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Without The Sex And The Contract, 50 Shades Would Have Been Even Crappier.