So many times, in my sessions with clients or just talking to friends, I hear people wonder why they always seem to end up dating (or married to) people who are bad for them. It seems so obvious that people want to be happy, and want to be in fulfilling and reciprocal relationships, yet so many people seem to be magnets for partners who make them feel insecure, unhappy, and unappreciated. A woman who wants loving, tender words ends up obsessed with a man who seems to have no emotion about anything but closing a big deal at work. A man who always wanted an independent woman is surprised to find himself in a serious relationship with a woman who texts him 25 times a day. And I see countless more examples each day in my work as a couples counselor, and when answering reader questions like this one.
The fancy psychological theory that explains this tendency toward self-sabotage is Imago Theory. This theory, which you can read more about in the book Getting The Love You Want, states that people are subconsciously drawn to partners who have both the positive and negative aspects of their primary caretakers (usually, their parents). At first, during the honeymoon stage, they only see the positive qualities, but as the relationship progresses, they start to see the negative qualities too. So, a woman whose mother was vivacious and self-absorbed will likely be attracted to a man who initially appears charming. He usually appears self-absorbed too, but the woman usually ignores these red flags.
Instead of ending the relationship when a partner’s negative qualities become more obvious, like when the self-absorbed guy forgets his girlfriend’s birthday, people become fixated on the idea of changing their partner in ways that they could never change their parent when they were young. So, the woman in our example will likely decide that her boyfriend just needs to learn about relationships, or he never learned how to be nice to women because his father was a jerk to his mom, or he just doesn’t know how important birthdays are. She will become hooked on this self-absorbed guy and consumed with the fantasy that, with her love and patience, he will become loving and giving. This story doesn’t usually end well.
This theory explains why men who insist that they “hate drama” invariably end up with dramatic women, or women who “just want a nice guy” end up with the classic “bad boy” who treats them like garbage. People are drawn to whatever they are familiar with, and they end up replicating the same patterns they experienced in their earliest relationships, while trying endlessly to change the partner into one who is perfect in ways that a parent never was.
But what if your childhood was great and you still end up with losers, you ask? Well, as wonderful as many parents are, it is impossible for a child’s every need and desire to be fulfilled. When a new sibling comes onto the scene, many kids feel angry and displaced, and when a parent has to work long hours, most kids can feel sad and yearn for more time spent together. All kids wish their parents were more responsive or more accepting or more SOMETHING at one time or another, and these wishes shape our future ideal partner, or our “imago.”
If you are having trouble with a partner, think about this theory and see how it plays a part in the dynamic. If it resonates with you, explore it with a therapist, or read the book I linked above. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, This Is Why It’s Important Not To Be Mean To Your Kids, Because Then They’ll Grow Up And Find A Mean Partner.