Reader Red Flag Alert writes,
I am a divorced Christian woman in my 40s and have been dating my boyfriend, who is also a Christian, for 3 ½ years. We have experienced both ups and downs, as in any relationship, and recently spent 4 months apart due to a break-up. This break-up was devastating to me, more so than my divorce as I love this man very much. We have since decided to work things out and have recently gotten back together.
However, he has now decided, unilaterally I might add, that for spiritual reasons we can no longer have an intimate, sexual relationship until we are married; possibly two years down the road. I am once again left devastated by this news as we had a wonderful relationship in this area. When we discussed what this means and boundaries, he stated everything was ok except actual intercourse. We tried this, but it’s just not the same. To have the man you love lying next you in bed, naked, and you can’t be intimate with him proved to be extremely difficult for me.
I agreed to these conditions because I felt I had no other option than to accept if I wanted a relationship with him…which I do. But I am not in high-school and have no desire for heavy petting and make-out sessions on the sofa for the next 2 years. I am resentful, resistant to any kind of affection now and just plain angry for being given an ultimatum. I was in a sexless, intimacy-less marriage for 16 years and this isn’t the kind of relationship I saw myself in at this stage in my life, yet I feel selfish for not honoring and respecting his love for Christ and his faith.
I know I am wrong for feeling this way, but I honestly can’t help it. He is a wonderful man that I love and would like to spend my life with, but I don’t consider this a fulfilling relationship and I am allowing my resentment to get in the way of the time we spend together. Any suggestions to help me get through this for the next 2 years would be greatly appreciated.
Dear Red Flag Alert,
As the name I gave you indicates, I do not think you are “wrong” for feeling the way you do. In fact, I think that this latest idea of his, combined with your history as a woman and as a couple, means that you likely have gotten yourself into another relationship with an emotionally unavailable and/or sexually repressed guy. This piece discusses how feeling guilty about sex ends up ruining many lives and relationships. This piece talks about sexless marriages. Your boyfriend sounds like he has a lot of issues about sex that are not going to magically disappear one day if you get married. There is nothing in the Bible that says that “everything but” intercourse is cool before marriage, but intercourse isn’t. In fact, many religious people eschew oral sex and spilling the seed and whatever, so his logic is… illogical.
Instead of a devout Christian, it sounds like your boyfriend is a troubled guy and has difficulty with intimacy. I’m inferring that he’s cool with blowjobs, though, which are up his alley since they are unilateral, much like his decision to put the kibosh on your sex life. There is a very obvious pattern here where you get involved with emotionally withholding guys, likely because in your childhood, a parent was emotionally withholding and emotionally neglectful. Read the book Running on Empty by Jonice Webb, which is about the effects of childhood emotional neglect, and I bet it fits your upbringing. While you’re at it, read Children of the Self Absorbed by Nina W. Brown because odds are you grew up with a narcissistic parent which is why you pick narcissistic guys now.
A narcissist who loves Christ? Why yes, there are many religious narcissists, of all religions. Frequently, they use religion not to be loving and empathic toward others, but to feel that they are better than others, more self-righteous than truly righteous. Why did you and your boyfriend break up? Why are there so many ups and downs? Every relationship does not have ups and downs to the point of breakups, especially not at your age. In fact, many people’s second marriages are way more calm than their first, as both people have matured and become more introspective and empathic after the drama of their divorces.
Listen to your gut. This man is denying you what was a loving, connected part of your relationship and basically issuing you an ultimatum, immediately following a long break. This smacks of narcissism and emotional abuse, and we already know you’ve fallen for guys like that in the past. Please seek out a counselor who can help you figure out if you are caught in a narcissist-enabler dynamic, and, if so, how to extricate yourself or at the very least be more cognizant of what’s really going down here, besides you for the next two years by his dictum. Also, why do you have to wait that long to get married, anyway? You’re both in your 40’s. You could get married tomorrow if you wanted, no? What’s the holdup; does he make excuses as to why he can’t commit? Red flag alert!
By the way, I am assuming you meant that you’re allowed to reach orgasm via your “everything but” deal. If he in fact is allowing heavy petting and arousal but cutting you off before (either of) you can have orgasms, either manually or orally, then I believe it’s even more of a red flag alert, if that’s possible. It feels to me like there is a very withholding, cold, almost punishing thing going on here, where on a subconscious level he wants to deny you pleasure and connection. Very bad sign for a relationship.
Thanks for writing in, and keep me updated. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, God Didn’t Say “Everything But.”