Reader Tangled Up writes,
DPM, I have a concern that keeps popping up my relationship. I met my current partner (we live together but are unmarried, have been together a year, long distance for 7 months of it) through a very good friend. He was also a very good friend with her and has been for 10+years.
At first this did not bother me at all . However, the closer my partner and I have become (moving in together, taking trips together, etc…) the harder my friendship with our mutual friend has become. Every time we’re around her, I feel she puts him on a pedestal, is constantly defending him as though I’m putting him down constantly (which he agrees is very weird) and criticizes many of the things I say, which she did not do before we had gotten together.
My partner used to date her sister and recently I asked my partner to have a conversation with her about the boundaries surrounding that, essentially that she respects our current relationship and stops bringing the sister up unnecessarily and to us and his family. She seemed fine with it but now I feel very paranoid that she is angry about that. We recently had a tough interaction with her and she seems to be blaming me entirely for it, still texting my partner and completely pretending I don’t exist now.
When I approach my partner about how much this upsets me, he becomes very defensive of her. I don’t want to tear apart their 10 year long friendship, but she is married with a new baby and we’re trying to build our own foundation. I just don’t know how to navigate these waters and I’m afraid I’m becoming anxious about him “choosing her over me” which I know is unhealthy thinking. I know this was a little convoluted but hoping you can give me some ideas. THANKS!
Dear TU,
Honestly, it sounds like this friend always had a subconscious “thing” for your boyfriend, probably dating back to when he was her sister’s boyfriend. Although she is married with a baby, meaning she likely had a boyfriend before you and your boyfriend even got together, she still liked having your boyfriend in her life, possibly to an emotional affair extent, possibly as a friend (that she sometimes has quickly-repressed sex dreams about, I bet). I know men and woman can be platonic friends, but if they were truly just friends, then she would be happy for you guys, not trying to undermine your relationship by acting as though she knows him better than you do and all that.
Your boyfriend sounds like he enjoys having her in his life too, because she idolizes him and thinks he can do no wrong, which to me suggests that your boyfriend might be a bit of a narcissist, actually. Here’s the thing, if you and your boyfriend are going to be together as a couple, it is incumbent upon him to communicate to her that it’s not okay for her to keep on bringing up his ex/her sister, and for her to act weird with you. As that conversation would be extremely difficult for your average diplomat, nevermind your average late twenties (I’m guessing) dude, a second runner up option is for your boyfriend to stop texting her with her all the time and basically take the intensity of their friendship down a notch. I’m not saying he has to go radio silent, but it would be good for him to answer texts a day later, not make individual plans where it’s only him and her hanging out, and so forth. She is married with a baby, let her text her own husband, or her sister, or anyone else.
At some point, people in a relationship have to decide whether to act married or single, whether or not they have a ring on their finger. Talking with opposite-gender friends who idealize you is a surefire way to put yourself at risk of an emotional affair, as well as a surefire way to make your actual partner feel insecure, which is what’s happening here (although I am sure you tended to be insecure beforehand, because otherwise this woman wouldn’t bother you at all; you likely have a variation of this dynamic with your boyfriend).
As for your friendship with this girl, let it fade out. She has shown that she isn’t terribly focused on being supportive of you, so you can go find some other friends that don’t make you feel as tense and uncomfortable (because they are waiting like a jaguar to pounce on your boyfriend). And if my remarks about your boyfriend’s possible avoidant attachment and narcissism resonate at all, think deeply about the fate of your relationship. It is also possible that you’re more into your boyfriend than you otherwise would be, because your friend’s fixation on him makes him seem like even more of a catch. Be sure that you are thinking clearly here, grasshopper. Remember, you haven’t been living with this guy for very long, make sure you know what makes him tick, and if it’s the adoration of “friendly” females, get out now (unless you’re into polyamory).
Thanks for writing in, and till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Things Are Even Tough For Polyamorous Triads, Though.