Reader Doesn’t Look Promising writes,
When I first met my partner, I thought he was perfect: smart, funny, gorgeous, the total package. He was finishing a rigorous graduate program and had started looking for jobs in his field, and was looking forward to having custody of his daughter in the next year. I was coming out of a deep depression and a bout of unemployment, and he was like a big ray of sunshine. We’ve dated for about nine months, and in that time we’ve both managed to find good jobs, but I feel like things are getting increasingly rocky between us.
I found your website while doing a Google search for “attachment panic,” and I think we’re definitely caught in a loop: I have some unmet needs that I ask him to meet in some way, he gets defensive and shuts down, I get panicky and hurt, and on and on we go. For the record, I still think my partner is an incredible man who makes it a priority to spend time with me, and tries to meet my needs when he can. On the other hand, we haven’t had sex in months, he’s really pulled back emotionally, and can be really unreliable when it comes to making longer-term plans, which have put me in some awkward situations, like when he decided not to come home with me for the holidays after I had planned my trip, and booked my tickets, around his schedule.
Lately, I’ve been noticing that he’s had trouble following through on some of the larger things on his plate: he was going to have custody of his daughter this year, but it didn’t happen, and he hasn’t been willing to go into the specifics of what went wrong. And, after almost a decade in school, he has a deadline to finish his dissertation, and he may not be able to meet it. I ask about these things, and offer to support him however I can, but he just tells me that he can’t handle talking about it, is sick of feeling like I’m judging him, etc.
I want to be sensitive to the fact that he’s had a few very difficult months, and will probably have a few more. I also know that my anxiety and fear have caused me to be more critical and less loving than I should be sometimes, and have a hard time forgetting the times when he’s left me feeling hurt or unloved. I know I have abandonment issues that are being badly triggered, which in turn are setting off his issues with shame and his fear of disappointing people. In our arguments, he agrees that the things I’m asking for- affection, sex, information about his life and stresses- are perfectly reasonable, but they’re more than he can handle right now.
I want to stick it out with this guy, and see if he’s able to lean on me or feel closer to me if I manage to keep my panicky feelings in check. On the other hand, I’m starting to have some real doubts about him. I’m scared that he’s just not a reliable person, and I keep thinking that it’s way too soon for us to be arguing and hurting as much as we are. Any thoughts or information you have would be greatly, greatly appreciated, and thank you so much for your time.
Dear DLP,
As you can see from the name I gave you, this doesn’t look good. You are amazingly introspective, and I’m a psychologist talking. Yet, all this introspection hasn’t made you LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE! What did I say, you ask? I said LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE!! LEAVE! You aren’t married to this guy. You were coming out of depression and unemployment when you met him, and apparently he’s blessed with good looks and (a probably angst-ridden) charm, and so of course he looked like a beacon of happiness and sexiness.
Fast forward to today. He is passive, doesn’t keep his word, you don’t have sex, and humiliates you in front of your family by reneging on holiday plans. This guy is emotionally neglectful, and of course he is triggering your abandonment issues, because he is, currently, in real time, abandoning you! He won’t have sex, he won’t talk about the future, he doesn’t stick to his word. He has no capacity to discuss an extremely important event in his life: the custody of his daughter (and what happened to that first marriage, I wonder?). He can’t even finish his dissertation, which means his job prospects may be limited.
You don’t have a ring on your finger, you don’t have kids. GET OUT before you turn into this woman, this woman, or this one. Run far away and into the office of the closest therapist that can help you work on the abandonment and trust issues that lead you subconsciously into relationships where you get taken for granted. I would imagine that you had an emotionally distant parent, which is why you’re drawn to that type of person now, on a deep level. The fantasy is to change an emotionally avoidant partner into a loving, attentive one. And this rarely works.
Thanks for writing in, and keep me updated. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Imago Theory Is Real.