Reader I’m Every Woman writes,
I’m 17 and there’s this boy I like. I used to see him around a lot his freshman year… I felt like I already met him because of the vibes I used to get from him, though we never exchanged words. I didn’t like him much that year he looked weird at first, but I always felt him watching. We sometimes exchanged looks. So this year, his sophomore year, we linked on social media, we talked here and there. When I saw him in person he’d come up to me with the biggest smile on his face and say hey!
We did that a few times and even had a mini-conversation in person. And then one day I felt weird vibes, and then bad vibes from him. It started bothering me so I had to ask him what’s wrong. And he ended up saying “you’re not my type of girl.”
I was baffled and surprised . I still want him though I don’t really give a f$%^. I still feel I have a chance. Even though he said I wasn’t his type I still catch him staring we always end up exchanging looks and I feel that “attention” again, and it satisfies me, though we don’t say a word to each other anymore.
My question is, do I still have a chance of eventually attracting him? Is he now attracted now that my attitude towards him switched? What should I do?
Dear IEW,
As you see from the name I gave you, you are in a situation that is likely familiar to every woman (and man) in the world. Especially in adolescence and young adulthood, people are very shy about sharing their feelings openly, so there is a lot of indirect half-flirting going on. There is also a lot of ambivalence, since many young people don’t want to get into relationships and tie themselves down, even if they do like someone and find them attractive. Also, when people feel pressured, or put on the spot, they often say things that they don’t mean, so we really have no idea whether you are this boy’s “type.” If he is like most 17 year olds, though, his “type” is “attractive and nice and doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable” and while you may hit the first two, you didn’t check the last box because you asked “what’s wrong.” And many men even three times his age don’t like talking about their feelings, and would rather gnaw off their own arm than answer that question.
Since he’s still staring at you, you have to conclude that he finds you attractive but doesn’t want a girlfriend, or at least doesn’t want a girlfriend who talks about feelings or who pressures him in any way. (Many men continue to want this; google “Manic Pixie Dream Girl.” However, don’t worry, they get their comeuppance one day when they are married and their wives drag them into couples counseling, where all we do is talk about feelings.) Now you see why many girls your age go for older dudes, who are slightly more in touch with their feelings, and/or recognize that they have to talk more in order to maintain girls’ interest long-term.
You are correct that your new approach of acting like you DGAF (see how cool I am; that is slang for don’t give a you know what for my Gen X and older readers) may have had the tried and tested effect of stoking the flames of this boy’s interest. My question is, do you want to be the woman who does her own thing in order to make yourself more attractive to a guy, or do you want to do your own thing because you are your own person, irrespective of what some guy thinks? I hope the latter, although that would make you far more psychologically evolved than I was at your age.
Remember, this is one guy, who is “weird” looking by your own initial estimation, and he comprises probably 1% of the guys you will meet and like in your long life ahead. You will likely not even remember this guy once you go to college next year and see all the hot guys on campus. Furthermore, this guy has already said you’re not his type but kept staring at you, meaning he may not want a girlfriend but likes you, and/or doesn’t know what he wants. You have multiple options:
- Ask him on a date, or whatever the equivalent is for 17 year olds, and if he says no, breathe a sigh of relief at all the time and energy you no longer have to expend on thinking about him.
- Forget about him and trust me that even if you don’t like anyone else in your high school, you are poised on the precipice of your new life as an adult, and you will meet more dudes than you can even count by this time next year.
- Get involved in a whole bunch of activities that do not involve guys at all and make the most of these years before you get married and have kids and they overrun your life, I mean, enrich your life (I say as I sit typing my response to you at 5am because that’s the only “me time” I have).
- Keep in mind that when people are attracted to people who explicitly say they aren’t into them, or don’t want a relationship with them, this is likely because they are unconsciously drawn to emotionally unavailable people, often because they are used to a parent being emotionally unavailable. This is stuff that most kids your age don’t know, but they should, because if they teach you calculus they should certainly teach you imago theory, despite that more self-awareness and knowledge about why we pick who we pick could eventually put me out of business as a couples counselor. If this resonates with you, find a therapist to talk to about your life and your feelings, which would put you so much ahead of the curve as an adult.
Best of luck and I hope high school is awesome, but not as awesome as college and beyond! Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Female Dissatisfaction With Male Emotional Expression Starts Early.