10 Things To Look For In A Husband

As a couples counselor, the majority of the marriages that I see are already failing, or at least headed down a dangerous road.  My female clients often reflect on the red flags that they realize, only in retrospect, meant that their then-boyfriend would not make the best husband (here’s one example, check the updates).  I’m compiling the top ten of these traits into a list for the benefit of my unmarried readers, and the married ones who want to think more deeply about their relationships and partners.  (And don’t worry, people who love to email me about fairness, there will be a post forthcoming about what to look for in a wife!)

Before I get to the list, my theory about dating (and this is pretty much the basis of evolutionary psychology) is that women go for much different men when they are going to have kids with them, or even when they are just of childbearing age, versus men that they pick when they are older, e.g., post-divorce. So, we see a lot of girls in their 20’s going for the good looking, arrogant guy who comes off very alpha (and the “bad boy” i a subset of this genre) because, on a deep evolutionary level, they want to make babies with a guy who is “the leader of the pack,” whose genes are the fittest.  When this guy is flirting with (or sleeping with) other women or criticizing your housekeeping, it is easy to look back at his arrogance when you were dating and blame yourself for not realizing this was a huge red flag, but don’t beat yourself up, as you were just carrying out your evolutionary destiny.  (This, of course, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t get yourself into couples counseling to figure out a new way of interacting with Mr. Alpha.)

From what I have seen in my practice, here are ten things to look for in a husband… and if you’re married, be appreciative if your husband has these traits!

1. The desire to be a team player.  Although it may seem endearing if your boyfriend sits on the couch while you bake him cookies and clean up afterwards, this trait is going to make you crazy one day.  As a girlfriend, you think everything is cute because your hormones are racing, and it feels like playing house if he watches the game while you make dinner.  But this behavior can signal self-centeredness as well.  If you are up and moving much more of the time than your boyfriend is, this chasm will only widen over time and with the addition of kids and your own home.
2. Good hygiene.  This may sound silly, but many women find their husbands’ lack of basic hygiene (e.g. daily showers, brushing teeth) to be repellent and a major source of marital conflict, some of which is unspoken.  If your boyfriend who is getting laid regularly doesn’t have hygiene that you are comfortable with, then he is very likely to become even less hygienic once you’re not having twice daily sex with him because you have two kids and a mortgage.
3. Flexibility about gender roles.  If your husband believes that women shouldn’t work when they have kids, unless this idea is a core tenet of your personal philosophy as well, then this is a major red flag.  Ditto for anything else where he feels that women deserve or should want things that are very different than what men deserve or should want.  Even if you think it’s romantic for him to be the sole breadwinner when you’re 25, your mind may change when you’re 35 or sooner, and you may want to find fulfillment outside of a homemaking role.  Be sure that your husband will be supportive, by finding a boyfriend who considers males and females to be fairly similar in their basic needs and drives.  Note that if you ever feel shamed by your boyfriend about your sexual history, get out quick, because this attitude may not go away and may also shape how he raises your sons and daughters and what ideas he conveys to them about sexuality.
4. Financial generosity, however you define it.  If your boyfriend is cheap, your husband (or live in boyfriend) will be even cheaper.  Some couples bond over their frugality, and this is great. But if you feel that you are always paying for your boyfriend and he spends no money to make your life better, this will be worse after marriage.  You will be providing a ten slide Powerpoint on why your kid should have piano lesson, and that will lead to resentment and disconnection. This can be better defined as harmony about financial values, because if you are very frugal and your generous husband is always buying rounds at the bar and coming home with Barbie dream houses for the kids, you will also argue, although not as much, from what I see in my practice.
5. Moderation around substances, including alcohol.  It may be fun to date the coolest guy in the frat who can drink everyone under the table.  But that may swiftly become a lot less fun when you’re counting on that guy to get up and go to work to pay half your mortgage.  And when you need to count on him to hear the baby to do a night feed and he stumbled into bed drunk a couple hours before, that can put you on the road to divorce very quickly.  If you are a big drinker yourself, keep in mind that this may change as you mature and especially when you become a parent, at which point, you will feel very frustrated with a husband who expects to keep up a partying lifestyle.
6. Enjoyment of your friends and family.  Many boyfriends tolerate their girlfriend’s friends and family, but you know in your heart if it’s just tolerance or real affection.  If real affection isn’t present, at least for, say, the five most important people in your life, then it’s likely to bother you a great deal over time.  If your husband retreats to the basement whenever your mom comes by, or makes snide remarks about your best friend, this will be an ongoing source of unhappiness and embarrassment for you, and one which frequently leads to tremendous arguments.
7. Same desire for kids as you.  If you never want kids, please pick a man who also wants to be childfree.  Ditto if you want three kids.  When women want a child and their husband doesn’t, it usually comes out that he said all along that he never wanted kids, but she just felt she could change his mind, or that he would change his mind as he matured. If this doesn’t happen, the wife can feel cheated out of the most important thing she ever wanted, and the husband can feel blindsided and betrayed, as he was stating his position on kids all along.  Don’t try and change a guy who does or doesn’t want kids into the opposite; there are enough guys you can find who feel as you do about having a family.
8. Your same primary love language.  If you adore verbal expressions of love, make sure that your boyfriend does this regularly.  If you enjoy acts of service, you want the boyfriend who makes you dinner when you’re tired.  Same for gifts. One caveat: for many women, a high sex drive when dating can translate into a much lower sex drive post-marriage.  So, if you bond primarily over the love language of physical affection, make sure you’re compatible on your second-highest love language as well.
9. The ability to verbalize emotions.  Many women end up with really smart guys that are somewhat alexithymic.  These guys may be on the spectrum of Asperger’s, or they may have been raised in homes with very little to no expression of emotion.  If you feel that your boyfriend is best characterized by the phrase “still waters run deep,” reflect deeply on how exactly you know that the waters are deep if he’s never verbalized much to you.  If you are a person who enjoys deeper emotional conversations, and if you’re reading this article then you 99% are, then a man who cannot express his feelings will, over time, unwittingly lead to significant sadness and loneliness for you.
10. Sexual chemistry/passion.  Some women marry their best friends, and this can work out if they themselves have no great desire for sexual passion or chemistry.  But, the majority of women want to, at least at the start of the relationship, experience memorable, passionate encounters with their partner.  If not, this sort of dynamic may result.  Also, even if you yourself don’t care much about sexual chemistry, your partner may.  You may be marrying a guy who you perceive as a friend and potential stable co-partner, with the subconscious idea that it’s fine if your tepid sex life ends up fizzling to nothing over the course of the marriage.  (And don’t be surprised; this is the case for some women.) But if your partner yearns for a greater level sexual intimacy, he may be hoping and expecting the passion to actually ramp up post-marriage.  When things never improve, he will be resentful and angry, where you were thinking it was obvious to both of you that sexual passion wasn’t going to be the bedrock of the marriage.

Keep in mind that if any of the above points bother you, and you ask your boyfriend to change them, and he does, for a period of many months, then that is a great sign. However, if he won’t change on one of these aspects prior to marriage, then after marriage his habits will be even more entrenched, and your likelihood of being dissatisfied will sky-rocket once you’re out of the honeymoon stage.

If you are dating, use this post to spark some deep introspection about whether you’re in the right relationship. And, if you’re unhappily married, use this post to help you recognize that perhaps your husband hasn’t changed for the worse; you may have been unaware of some red flags when you were dating and perhaps he’s really just an older version of the same guy.  This can facilitate acceptance and less blame, although there are still things for you both to work on proactively, hopefully with a couples counselor or at the very least, my book. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, For More On Evolutionary Psychology, Read What Do Women Want?