Reader Difficult Situation writes,
I am involved with a man for four years now. When we met he was getting prepared to leave his wife of 43 years.
They have been in the process of what his ex-wife calls a legal separation. No children involved, thank God. Lately she’s been acting like they are still a couple. She demands that he respond to her calls and texts immediately. Last call, she dropped a lot of F-bombs. She threatens to take 50% of everything. She demands records of his employment, tax records, asks how many credit cards he has, how much he owes, threatens to take half of pensions, and wants alimony.
She is constantly asking how I feel about her calling and texting. She asks if he still lives with me. She reminds him that his mother who is still alive will be leaving him an inheritance in her will, and she feels that she deserves a part of it. She says she doesn’t want to hurt him but is going to take him to the cleaners for leaving their unhappy marriage… and because she is entitled.
He has given her the matrimonial home and is willing to take over all the debt. I’m sick to my stomach over how he doesn’t have a say in anything. He allows her to do and say whatever she feels. How do I keep myself strong through this situation? I’m starting to feel very depressed and would appreciate constructive advice. Thank you.
Dear DS,
Reader, you wanted a helpful reframe so here it is, but it is going to be some tough love. You need to think more clearly about this situation. Your boyfriend is leaving a woman after 43 years together. They have no kids, so he was not staying for the kids. Here are some reasons he may have stayed in unhappy marriage for 43 years without kids:
It wasn’t really unhappy for all 43 years but he loves you and it was bad for the last 10 years or so, probably especially after she went through menopause and stopped having sex with him, and he is telling you it was always bad because he knows you are more comfortable with that idea.
If it really was always unhappy but he stayed anyway, then he likely has significant family of origin issues and is only comfortable being unhappy and taking care of someone who doesn’t treat him well (check out his relationship with his mom and listen carefully to stories about his mom’s marriage when he was young).
This man knows that he didn’t “have to” stay married to his wife. He could have left at any time in the past 43 years but he didn’t. Now, he is leaving after four years of knowing you, so he is coming into a soft landing place; he did not have the nerve to separate before knowing he was moving directly into another relationship. But, he is recreating a dynamic with you that he is familiar with, one where a woman is upset with him.
Your boyfriend could resolve this situation readily. He could accede to her requests including the inheritance and then tell her that it’s over and they will only speak through lawyers. The fact that he wants to be financially generous to her is not a bad thing. He is leaving her after she spent her entire life with him. He is humiliating her in front of friends and family by leaving for another woman (“in the process of leaving” doesn’t mean anything to anyone but you two; everyone else will assume he left for you and I believe he may not have left if not for you).
Your boyfriend and his wife have no kids so they were a family unto themselves; she cannot comfort herself with having gotten children out of the equation. She is going after money because first of all, it is fair that she gets half after being married for that long, which is why things are often split down the middle after divorce, and second of all, she wants to feel like at least she got something in exchange for being left and humiliated.
Regarding the inheritance, if the wife either put up with her mother-in-law or genuinely loved and cared for her for 43 years and it was a known quantity that the mom was going to leave the couple an inheritance, then I can see why she thinks she deserves half of it. Remember, if they had kids, the mom’s inheritance would basically go to the grandkids (she may even have paid for college for them or something). In that case, your boyfriend’s wife would be comforted in that the money was going to her kids even if not to her. In this case, though, there are no kids, so if she doesn’t get any, it feels like it nullifies whatever relationship she had with her mother in law for FOUR DECADES (aka, a really long time).
Here is what you can do moving forward. Firstly, change how you view this situation. This woman deserves half of the assets because that is legally what happens in most divorces. She spent her entire life unhappily married to a man who is now leaving her for another woman. Her life sucks right now. Getting half the assets and the matrimonial home is not an unusual outcome for a woman who is being left by her husband in her mid-60’s. What is she going to do, embark on a new career? Let the lawyers work this out and be happy that your husband has a conscience about this situation and isn’t trying to screw his wife over financially in addition to leaving her.
Secondly, tell your boyfriend that you support whatever he does with the money, but you no longer want him to communicate with her outside of through lawyers. You have the right to not listen to him fighting with her on the phone. If he is with you now, then he needs to set clear boundaries with her, no matter how guilty he feels. Let him assuage his guilt via money, and then cut off contact. As there are no kids involved, and the couple’s friends likely have all sided with the left wife, then he certainly has no need to ever interact with his wife again without a mediator.
Thirdly, consider your own underlying motivations in this. Why are you telling your boyfriend what to do with his money? Do you tend to get enmeshed with loved ones and micromanage them? What does his continued contact with her mean to you? Do you feel insecure in his commitment to you? Why did you get involved with a married man and stay involved with him for four years until they are even separating, who knows how long until the divorce is final?
I am thinking that you tend to get involved in frustrating relationships because of your own upbringing issues. Emotionally or physically unavailable men may replicate disappointing relationships you had with caregivers growing up. Therapy can help you figure out how your own issues may be getting triggered by this situation. It can also provide you with support through this difficult transition.
Also, think about your boyfriend’s patterns. He is out of the frying pan into the fire. The wife is telling him what to do and now you are also telling him what to do. Does the mother also tell him what to do? Is he most comfortable on some level with a woman reprimanding him and guilt-tripping him? She is guilt tripping him on one end and you are disappointed in him on the other end. Also: You and she are fighting over him. On some level, does this drama make him feel important? Is he a people pleaser or workhorse and what does this pattern mean for your life together in the future? Food for thought, or to explore with a therapist.
I wish you the best. When he is out of this, you may well have a long and happy life together with your boyfriend. If you get rid of the money factor and focus on setting interpersonal boundaries, your boyfriend may respond a lot better. Let him pay her off; most people would say this is the only ethical thing to do anyway. Let the courts deal with it and have him stop answering her calls. If he will not do this, then write back and we can discuss how to deal with his absence of emotional boundaries even when he can give her the money she wants. (That would be a red flag for future happiness with this man.)
Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, It Will Be Freeing For You To Say, “Do Whatever You Want With Your Money, Honey.”