Reader Awesome Question writes,
Hello! I am writing with concern for my sister. She was divorced about 8 years ago, and hasn’t dated at all since then. About 5 or 6 years ago, she started painting as a hobby. She began taking classes every week, and very much enjoyed it. One of the teachers, is a guy, mid-20s (my sister is 41). Over the years, she has become increasingly obsessed with him. She insists that she doesn’t continue the hobby just because he is there, but her friends and I both disagree.
For a long time, we encouraged her to talk to him, to ask him out, etc. She refused and sighted her low confidence / self worth. If she doesn’t ask, he can’t say no. From the outside, it appears that they have become good friends, and even hang out (always in groups) outside of class. And for awhile, I thought she was moving on. But yesterday while chatting, she expressed her concern over what Dad will do when they meet. I asked why they would meet, and she explained that even though nobody understands them, they are working on breaking down their walls and she has no doubt that they will be married one day. They have never held hands, they have never kissed, they’ve never been on a date. He’s never been to her house, or even her town (she lives an hour away). They don’t talk on the phone or text, other than to make plans for class or to go out as a group. She insists that he cares because when she is grumpy he’ll ask what is wrong and apologize if he’s done something to make her feel bad. To my knowledge, he has no idea that he’s in this ‘relationship’, because it sounds like they’re good friends to me.
I am concerned that she is avoiding dating anyone else, because she’s so sure it will work out with this person (perhaps on purpose?). I am worried about what could happen if (when?) the mirage falls apart. She has a long history of depression, and though she is on meds, she no longer sees a therapist. I’ve encouraged her to do so, and she says she will if she needs it again, but doesn’t feel she needs it now.
Or perhaps I’m wrong entirely, and this is just their path. She is adamant that she knows that their path isn’t the normal one, but she’s happy and that’s all that matters. I want to be open minded and supportive, and if I believed that she was really happy, I would be okay with that. She openly admits that she can’t talk about him to her other friends anymore, because they try to convince her it’s not a good situation. She is sure that they “just don’t understand us.”
Dear AQ,
The first part of my response is so much more exciting than the second. It seems like your sister may have erotomania, which I have never actually seen in real life. If you want to watch a movie about it, check out He Loves Me… He Loves Me Not with the actress from Amelie. If what you say is true, she is experiencing a delusion that she is involved in a reciprocal intimate relationship. Unless she begins to get violent or stalks him, there is no real danger. She may subconsciously be engaging in this fantasy in order to avoid the emotional vulnerability required in real dating, as you mentioned.
The second part of my answer is my standard one for siblings and parents of adult children. Accept that they are what they are, and move on. It’s not your life. This unilateral love may be making her very happy, and if she is stopping herself from dating other people, there may be a very good reason for it, such as she’s not ready, or she will never be ready. Don’t appoint yourself the truth-speaker and ruin her coping mechanism. Defenses are necessary when a person is not strong enough to face reality. If you remove her defense mechanism, she may crumble entirely.
Also, read The Sister by Poppy Adams because it’s a great novel and bizarrely relevant to your situation. Really.
Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says I Know You’re Considering Not Reading That Book And It’s A Mistake. Get It Right Now.
