There are many opinions on when to introduce a new partner to your kids post-divorce (see my take on it here). Irrespective of when you choose to introduce a new partner, there are certain ways to ensure that this interaction goes well and sets both your kids and your new partner up for a healthy ongoing relationship. This post covers the first introduction as well as principles to guide all early stage interactions.
First, there is no law that says you need to be on the road to marriage for your kids to meet your new partner. There is in fact something to be said for your kids learning that adults can date and then break up in a healthy way without drama or massive conflict. When your partner has become an important part of your life, and you are saying “I love you” and making future plans together, it may feel like a good time to introduce them to your children. Children benefit from seeing their parents in happy, fulfilling relationships, even if this means they do not get the parent’s sole attention anymore. (And of course, the child-centered culture we are in where many kids do become their parent’s primary focus is fraught with its own issues, as I discuss everywhere on this blog, like here.)
Before the first interaction, you need to start laying the framework for your children to know and understand that you’re dating someone special. Talk about your partner sometimes casually throughout the day. In an ideal world, your children will express interest in meeting them, but even if they don’t, they will get accustomed to the idea that there is someone new in your life.
The first interaction between your kids and your new partner should be brief, so that your kids can process it with you (or on their own) shortly after it ends. It will be strange enough for them to see you with a new person without also making it a multi-hour affair. A trip to the ice cream store, an hour at the park, or a dinner at your house (with your partner going back to their own place after dessert) are all options.
During the first encounter, you can say this is your new friend to very small kids, but older kids will find this patronizing, so try to be honest from the beginning. Say this is your boyfriend or girlfriend who you’ve been dating for X amount of time. Don’t make out with them, obviously, but kissing hello is fine and even beneficial. You are setting the frame for your children to see this person as a romantic partner from the get-go. Casual displays of affection will indicate to your children how this relationship should be conceptualized.
Make sure to give your kids extra attention during and after the initial encounter. Make it more about the kids than about your partner, but don’t force kids to engage if they don’t want to. They have to be polite as they would be with anyone you introduce them to, but they certainly don’t have to hug goodbye or anything else. The tone of the encounter should be fun and casual, which is why playing a game or doing a fun child-focused activity is often best (personally I had my kids meet my now-husband at a frozen yogurt shop with board games, for an hour).
After the first interaction, you can say something like, “I thought that was fun. I hope you guys also had fun. I know X really wanted to meet you guys because I talk about you to them all the time.” Some kids will have a million questions about your new partner and some will not. Tell your kids, “If you want to know anything about me and X, or about X in general, just ask me. We will be hanging out with them more next week (or whenever).”
Make sure your children know you will remain their number one focus, but that your partner will also be an important part of your life. You want to set the frame that your love for them and your love for your partner are in different buckets or categories. Loving your partner does not make you love them any less. The new partner is an add on to your life with your children and a person that makes you very happy, but they will not take you away from your children or replace your children.
Other early stage interactions, after the initial meeting, can be laid back time spent at your house, meals, excursions, generally fun child-centered activities. As they say, you never have a second chance to make a first impression, so you are setting the stage for your kids to associate your new partner with fun, laid back family time that makes you happy. Continue being casually affectionate with your partner. Don’t rush the kids into interactions with them, but facilitate activities that show both your kids and your new partner at their best. Look particularly for activities that you don’t do or don’t like doing with your kids that your new partner does enjoy or is good at. E.g., if you don’t like video games but your new partner would play them with your son, that’s great.
When your partner is developing a relationship with your kids, be sure to convey to him/her how they are doing. Be positive and loving but don’t be afraid to give suggestions to make things go easier. For instance, if your boyfriend thinks it would be fun to take everyone to a baseball game but you know your daughter is uninterested and will not sit happily for three hours, say that maybe that will happen at a later date, but for now, let’s stick to shorter activities.
Be open with your children about your happiness to be spending time with both them and your new partner together. Children like when their parents are happy and stress-free. If your kids associate your partner with someone who makes you relaxed and happy, then they will feel positive toward them. Be sure that you also make clear that your partner will not be replacing your ex and co-parent, if applicable. For instance, you may say that your new boyfriend will never try to be their dad, because they already have a dad who loves them very much, but over time, he may grow closer and love them as well.
How your children responds to your partner will be a function of their temperament, their relationship with you, their relationship with their co-parent, and time. Don’t worry if your kids don’t seem to like your new partner at first, especially if they are teenagers and/or loyal to their other parent after a contentious divorce. This is to be expected. With time, and as your relationship with your partner deepens, there may spring up seeds of a positive relationship between even the most initially recalcitrant child and your partner.
Unless your partner is acting like a jerk, in which case deal with that in couples counseling and reconsider the relationship, your kid’s feelings about your new partner have more to do with YOUR relationship with your child than anything about your partner. If your child feels secure in his relationship with you, then adding a new partner into the mix will not be as difficult or aversive. This is the time to objectively and honestly think about your own relationship with your kids; if they are particularly rude to or distant from a new partner, this is a good warning alarm that you need to work on your own relationship with your child.
This may mean one of two things. The first thing to think about is that perhaps you have been distant and busy, and you need to be more explicit and expressive about your love for your child and give them extra attention. Of course a child who feels neglected will resent anyone else who is vying for your limited attention.
The second option, which I see more often in my practice, is that out of guilt, you’ve been over-focusing on your child post-divorce and, to use an out-of-favor term, you’ve been spoiling them rotten (meaning that you hyperfocus on them, you are enmeshed with them, and you give them too few boundaries). If you’ve been cultivating an “us against the world” vibe prior to now, or doing everything your child wants whenever they want it, then of course your child will view your new partner as an unwelcome intrusion. They are used to the unreasonable and unhealthy amount of your attention that they have been getting since after (or often before) your divorce. If this resonates with you, it would be time to work with an individual therapist on how you can set healthy boundaries with your child and be more of their parent and less of their friend (or even servant, from how I see many parents act with their kids).
With forethought and preparation, you will increase the chances of a positive relationship between your kids and your partner. When you are happy and fulfilled, this makes you a better parent and role-model for your children, so do not feel guilty about having your attention divided. Showing your kids a healthy romantic relationship is good for them and educates them about how to be in their own healthy romantic relationship when they are adults. Good luck, and till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Patience Is A Virtue In This Case And Most Others.