For women whose love language is words of affirmation, hearing nice, kind, loving things from a partner is extremely important. They often cannot feel loved or deeply known without hearing these comments. If you are not the most verbally expressive person, you may feel that your partner is consistently disappointed in your conversations. This disappointment may show up most on special occasions like holidays or date nights where her expectations may be higher. If you love your wife or girlfriend but just don’t know what exactly it is that she wants you to say to her, this can be a helpful guide.
1. Why are you with her? Many women don’t really know why their partners are with them. In a worst case scenario, they may feel they were just there at the right time or were their partner’s only option. What traits does your partner have that initially made you think they were the right choice to be with you long term? Physically, mentally, emotionally. Why did she originally make you happy? Is she beautiful, kind, funny, smart, interesting, ambitious, driven, laid back? Any details will make your partner feel known and loved.
2. What is she particularly good at? Everyone has talents and skills, and there are many things that likely impress you about your partner. Tell her how good she is at cooking a specific dish, making the house look nice, being patient with or challenging the kids, keeping your lives organized, killing it at work, planning vacations, being a great friend, or whatever else applies.
3. How does she make you a better man? Work by marital researcher John Gottman indicates that in a happy marriage, women feel like they can influence their husbands. Tell your partner about specific ways in which she has impacted you for the better. Maybe you are healthier because she works out with you or packs your lunches, or you started drinking less when she asked you to, or you try harder at work because she sets financial goals for the family that you try to achieve. It is very meaningful for her to hear how you feel she has changed you for the better, even in small ways.
4. What is especially attractive about her? Many women love hearing what you find particularly attractive about them, like their hair, or eyes, or smile. Get as specific as possible so your partner feels that you truly spend time thinking about her unique traits. However, keep in mind that some women do not want to hear about specific body parts because they feel insecure about their own bodies and this makes them feel uncomfortable. In this case, you can mention her voice, or her sense of style, or her laugh, or anything else that you love that you think she would enjoy hearing about.
5. How is she better than other wives/girlfriends? Comparing your wife favorably to others (without of course being rude or nasty about other women) will make her feel like you genuinely think she is the best fit for you. For instance, if your wife is supportive of you going to the gym each morning and you just heard some coworkers saying that their wives are not supportive of them taking time for themselves, use this conversation as a springboard to tell your wife how happy you are that she encourages you in this way. I speak to so many male clients who actually think of their wives as better than other wives in various ways (some examples: their wives try harder with the kids, are more physically fit, make more money, are more independent/self-reliant). Yet, they don’t take the golden opportunity to make their wives feel good by explicitly sharing their observations.
6. What have you done that is only because of her? It will make your wife feel very special to know that you attribute positive things in your life to her. This can be small things or tremendous ones. For instance, some men wouldn’t have had kids if not for their wives, and then are very happy to have their children. Yet, they do not tell their wives, “You know, without you I could have gone either way on having kids, but because I was with you and you wanted them, we had them, and now I am so happy to be a dad.”
7. What are some nice things she has done for you lately? Everyone loves to be appreciated and to know that their efforts do not go unnoticed. Has your wife bought you clothes, cooked you dinner, sent gifts to your family members, did the majority of the work of hosting a kids’ party? Think about things she has done that have impressed you or taken work off your plate, or that have just shown that she thinks about your needs and wants, and tell her how these efforts make you feel. Some make you feel loved, some make you feel secure, some make you feel like you married a great teammate.
8. What is she better at than you are? Especially if you’ve ever heard from your partner that you can be arrogant or self-centered, take some time to think of things that your partner does better than you do. Telling her about this will make her feel like you really value her. Examples of behavior or traits include: being better with the kids in some certain way, thinking about others more, being kinder, being more creative, being social, being a voracious reader, etc. Make sure that you actually value the trait; if you say she’s better at drawing but she knows you could care less about drawing, it will not be as meaningful of a comment.
9. Do/would other men want to be with her? It is truly astonishing to me how many men notice other guys looking at their partners and then don’t mention it. This is a virtual lay up to make your wife feel good. If you can’t remember a time recently when you felt another man found your wife attractive, think about which of her traits would appeal to other guys if they saw it. Saying that she looks great is one level of compliment, but saying that any man would be lucky to be with her because she looks so hot in that dress is one step higher.
10. What do you visualize about being together in the future (especially when kids are out of the house)? Telling your partner specifically what you envision about your future together will make her feel loved and secure. Discussing where you want to retire, what hobbies you want to pick up when the kids are older/out of the house, where you want to travel, or anything about your future as a post-small-kids couple is a way to make your wife feel that you are looking forward to spending more time with her as a woman (versus her as a co-owner of your small business devoted to raising kids).
Use these points to guide your conversations with your words-of-affirmation loving partner, and you will likely make her feel more loved and happy. And if you are the partner who hungers for more deep verbal connection, send this post to your partner to help him understand more concretely what would make you feel good to hear. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, For Extra Credit, Use The Prompts From My Book Too.