Many times, couples come to me in crisis, because one partner feels that they have “grown up,” while the other partner “acts like a child.” (One version of this is what I call the Man-Child and His Long Suffering Wife dynamic.) Often, it is the woman who feels she is more mature, but it can be either gender who feels this way. Usually, the partner who feels like they are more mature gets irritated and frustrated with the “childish” partner, for not understanding what s/he “should” be doing as an adult.
Some examples of things that the “more mature” partner in this dynamic may say are:
- “Doesn’t he know that we have a baby now? We can’t just party like we’re still in college.”
- “I can’t understand someone who stays up late playing video games when he knows he has work tomorrow. I am in bed by 9:45 latest.”
- “Sex is fine but it’s really not my priority right now, with two young kids. Doesn’t he understand that we need to act like adults and put our kids first?”
As I frequently discuss, imago theory states that we are subconsciously drawn to partners who remind us in some way of a parent/primary caregiver. Often, a person may be drawn to an “irresponsible” or “childish” partner because they saw this same dynamic between parents, such as when there is a responsible, reliable mom and a devil-may-care, “boys will be boys” type of dad. The mother in this case may condescend to the dad, and then the children who observe this dynamic may grow up and subconsciously pick a partner to whom they can condescend.
On the other hand, the partner who puts up with being called childish and irresponsible is likely suffering from self-esteem issues as well. They may have been coddled by a parent, who was overprotective and didn’t let them engage in developmentally-appropriate independent activities, or else they may have ADHD, depression, or any other issue that they are scared to tackle head-on, and instead, hide behind a little boy or little girl persona. They also may have seen the parental dynamic that I described earlier, of a reliable mom and irresponsible dad (which can also be an alcoholic/addict/depressed/whatever parent and enabling parent), or vice versa, but they emulate the parent who was less competent (for whatever reason, including overidentification with that parent, similar issues to that parent, etc.). In the dynamic I’m describing, the “childish” partner can sling passive aggressive remarks right back, saying things like:
- “At least I know how to have fun, unlike some people.”
- “There’s no spontaneity in our lives because of all of your ridiculous rules.”
- “You really need to chill out, a lot of women would be thrilled to have a husband with a sense of fun and adventure.”
In general, condescending to your partner is subconsciously done primarily to make a person feel better about themselves. If there was no self-esteem issue on the part of Mr. or Miss Maturity, then they would have left the childish partner long ago, or would have established clear ground rules for how the partner needs to step up to the plate. In cases where this doesn’t happen, and instead, the “mature” partner continues to passive-aggressively criticize the other’s perceived childishness, they are usually deriving a lot of their self-esteem from their “mature” role. This often covers up a fear of being boring or excessively rigid. Basically, they are saying, “I may be boring, but at least I am responsible and mature.”
Conversely, if Mr. or Miss Spontaneous didn’t secretly fear that they are in fact unreliable, scattered, and unable to function without their partner’s parental role, they would be less defensive and more empathic toward their spouse. Often, the partner in this role fears that they are in fact as childish as their partner tells them, and that they are unable to function as an adult in the world. This can be masked by a persona as someone who is the life of the party, and who is only held back by their ball and chain, boring spouse.
If this dynamic resonates with you, counseling can help you and your partner grow closer and less at odds with one another. Understanding the origin of this dynamic can help, and the genuine desire to start treating one another with more respect, and less like two dimensional caricatures. This article may be a good jumping-off point to discuss your relationship. Remember, any insight that either partner has into their deeper motivations is generally very positive for the relationship as a whole. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Never Underestimate the Power Of Introspection.