Dear LO,
See the image I chose above? In this family, right now, your boyfriend is on the far right and you, if you’re lucky, will get to be on the far left. The parents are the central figures, in your boyfriend’s mind and likely their own. Your boyfriend sounds like he is having a really tough time individuating from them, and he cannot make decisions on his own. This is likely due to his nature, the nature of his parents, and likely a helicopter-parent type of parenting style (like here) where his parents were so overly involved in your boyfriend’s adolescence and young adulthood that now he finds himself, at 30, unable to make a choice without running it by them first.
To cut to the chase, your boyfriend is unlikely to change in the near future if at all. Getting married and having kids will only increase your potential in-laws’ involvement in your life. You may find them intrusive and urge him to set boundaries; he is unlikely to set them because he genuinely doesn’t want to. He likes living near them and talking to them all the time. He finds their advice intelligent or at least better than whatever his own thoughts on the matter are (and as you note, he doesn’t ask your thoughts; this is another red flag). Your choices are to either get with the program, and accept that their involvement will be constant, or leave. You are not married or even engaged, so couples counseling at this point is unlikely to be what you want; of course, you could try it if you guys are up for it.
Recognize, though, that there are benefits of your in-laws being around all the time. If you guys have kids, they will likely babysit a lot (although they may want things done their way). You will never be lonely because they, and his sister, will always be there to talk to. Their advice may be valuable as you start out in your life and career. Also, I am betting that they will put their money where their mouth is, because usually in families like this, the parents dole out a lot of financial help to the adult children, or at least take them on vacations and stuff.
Some people learn to take the good (financial help, babysitting… basically a safety net so you never truly have to worry if you or he loses a job or one of the kids is sick when you have an important work meeting) with the bad (they are always there and he may always prioritize them over you, and you may never fully respect him as anything near a self-made person if that is important to you). Only you can decide if being another kid in their family is going to work for you. But the beauty of this situation is that you’re so young. You can leave this guy and find five more guys by the end of the month. (And if you doubt me, you need to introspect about your self-esteem; if you really hate this situation and you’re remaining in it, it might be low.)
Keep me updated, and till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Whatever You Do, Don’t Stay In This Expecting That It Will Change.