Often, people come into counseling because they look down on their partner or feel their partner looks down on them. Some of the areas that meet with condescension are a partner’s looks, intelligence, politics, sex drive, hobbies, parenting style, energy level, among others. Although people may consciously think that this condescension only started later on in the marriage, there are usually early warning signs that one partner looks down on the other from very early in dating. The more you are aware of these red flags, the better chance you have to get out of this kind of dating relationship before it turns into a toxic marriage.
In my post The Condescending Partner, I note that:
The condescender and the condescendee both usually come from families where one parent condescended to the other frequently, or sometimes they can come from homes where this dynamic was evident between two siblings. The condescender usually derives a lot of self-esteem from always being the “good” or “right” person, which is why their jabs aren’t more overt. They want to still be thought of as the “good” spouse even when insulting the other. Condescension is passive aggressive versus overtly aggressive, so if they aren’t called on their behavior, they can still inhabit the “good spouse” role.
Partners condescending to one another starts during dating, although it is less overt. For instance, one partner will act as though the other makes worse choices at a restaurant, or in any other arena. One partner will roll their eyes and laugh about the other’s clothes, furniture, or even the art on their walls. The friends or family or the partner who is continually looked down upon sometimes defends them, but the looked-down on partner will make excuses for the other, and say it’s just a joke.
When you’re always looked down upon by a partner, and you choose to stay in this situation, it is usually because of confirmation bias. This means that you already think of yourself as stupid, or unattractive, or uncool, likely because you were told so when you were a child. When your partner acts like you’re all of these things, it makes sense to you and feels familiar. Sadly, you don’t respect people’s opinions of you if they are positive. It’s like the Groucho Marx quote, “I refuse to be in a club that would have me as a member.” Only if people look down on you do you want to be with them, assuming their low opinion of you means they have good taste.
If you are the partner doing the condescending, you need to look inward and figure out why. After all, if you are so smart, good, and right, why are you lowering yourself to be with someone who is always dumb, bad, and wrong? You likely have low self-esteem as well, and one easy way to buffer your own shaky self-concept is to always ensure that someone else in your home is worse than you. Think about what your kids see from the dynamic of you looking down on your spouse. They will either turn into you, the mean one (who protests that you’re not mean because you say mean things laughingly), or your spouse, the one who is always stupid. Neither will ensure a good relationship.
There is a special case where one partner diminishes the other’s need for sex, where the higher-libido or higher-touch spouse is made to feel inferior, superficial, or animalistic for wanting sex. This is a form of condescension that can usually be spotted as an early red flag, although most people ignore it. But if you are constantly told that your sex drive is “wrong” or “bad,” this can kill your self esteem and your sexual self-concept. It is usually also accompanied by other types of condescension, and is often a Man-Child And Long-Suffering Wife dynamic.
If your partner condescends to you, or vice versa, think long and hard before marrying them. Partners’ behavior worsens with more stress, it doesn’t improve. The woman who smilingly chides you for forgetting your dry cleaning before the marriage will roll her eyes and say you’re like a third child after you’re married for ten years. The man who jokes that you aren’t allowed to drive because he wants to arrive in one piece will turn into a man who says you’re irresponsible in all aspects of household management and childcare.
While you might expect me to suggest couples counseling as a way to change this dynamic, I only recommend that if you’re already married/have kids. Otherwise, life is too short for couples who are dating to be in couples counseling. Generally, a dynamic of condescension and contempt is enough of a red flag to mean that you should break up. However, if you are on either side of this dynamic as a pattern in your dating relationships, individual therapy can help you get at the root of this issue, which is likely related to the interactions you saw growing up and your self-esteem.
If you don’t know if you’re currently dating someone where this dynamic applies, send this article to your closest friend or family member, someone who has observed you two together. If they have noticed this but been too uncomfortable to bring it up, this post can serve as an easier way for you to be confronted with this difficult information about yourself and your partner. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Everyone Deserves To Be Treated With Respect.