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You Cannot Make A Spouse More Romantic, BUT…

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There are many types of couples where one is more romantic than the other.  Some of these pairings work better than others.  In a pursuer-distancer dynamic, one partner has a preoccupied attachment style and one has an avoidant attachment style.  When the man is more stable and the wife is more sensitive, she is likely the more romantic one.  And when one partner is on the autism spectrum, or has traits of what we used to call Asperger’s syndrome, the other partner is likely fairly disappointed with their inability to be romantic.

There are also couples where the man is more romantic than the woman, lest you think this only means disappointed women with nonromantic men.  When the man is the more “fun” partner and the wife is the more responsible, this usually concords with her being more pragmatic than romantic. This is also the case when the woman is very disillusioned with the manThe Man-Child And His Long Suffering Wife can fall into this dynamic.

Romance is one of the areas that I see in my practice is very important for long term compatibility.  I used to think that Highly Sensitive People (HSP) were the main romantics, but there are also many non-sensitive people who value different forms of romance, often more publicly displayed.  While an HSP may wish their partner spoke to them about their deep love for them, a non-HSP may prize something with more oomph like a spontaneous date night or huge bouquet of flowers sent to their workplace.  Either way, a love of romance is not a proxy variable for overall sensitivity, but is its own trait.  

Still, there is a lot of overlap between what I think about whether you can make a partner more romantic and whether you can make a partner more sensitive, which I discuss here.  The answer to both is basically: NO, you cannot force someone to intrinsically value romance or self-growth or deep conversations.  However, if they love and respect you, your non-romantic partner can learn to replicate some of the behaviors that you associate with romance.  This is similar to how someone who doesn’t really value self-exploration can try (and even be interested in!) therapy if the spouse whom they love asks them to go.

It is essential that you distinguish between what is possible and what is not possible, so that you moderate your expectations and don’t set your partner and your marriage up to fail.  Wanting your husband to come up with a creative gift for you for every occasion is not going to be fair to him if he is a very uncreative guy.  Wanting your husband to RECOGNIZE every occasion with a sweet gift that is something in the category of stuff you’ve asked for or told him you liked is doable and learnable.  Wanting your wife to call you handsome and flirt with you in the middle of a workday may be unfair to a very practical woman.  Wanting her to say yes and smile if you ask if she likes your shirt is doable and learnable.

If it breaks your heart that your spouse is not more romantic, there is usually more at play.  They also likely have acted rigid and unwilling to empathize with your need for romance.  Possibly they have also rejected you sexually, as a lot of sex is romantically motivated and very romantic people are often very sexual people.  Maybe they mock or diminish your love of romance, which is unkind.  Either way, if your real issue is one of these or something else, try to figure out what your deepest level sadness is, because it’s not usually just “they aren’t romantic enough,” even if this is what you’ve been telling yourself.  

Therapy can help a partner with their avoidant attachment (and you with your preoccupied attachment).  Therapy can also help a partner on the spectrum learn that they are on the spectrum and what this entails, and help you understand them more fully and be a better partner to them.  Therapy can also help with empathy and with sex issues. Therapy is great, but it has its limitations.

What can therapy not do? Therapy cannot make a human being into someone who yearns for romantic conversations or spontaneous little gifts when they are not wired this way. Therapy cannot make someone write you love notes where they detail cute little things about you that they adore. Therapy cannot make someone into a person who listens to music and thinks about you. If this is what you need, then you need to reexamine the relationship you’re in. 

Often, focusing on the positives of your partner while working on repairing core empathic ruptures can make people with differing levels of romantic need feel infinitely more connected. However, for some, this will not be sufficient, and they will feel drawn to emotional affairs (or physical ones), or just extremely lonely.  There should be no value judgements about what is “enough of a reason” to divorce.  I just always recommend that you try everything you can before making that call. 

Share with your partner to open up a different kind of discussion around your/their frustrations in this area.  Perhaps use it as a jumping off point to think about entering couples counseling.  Here are some indicators that you would be good candidates for marital counseling.  Note: I love doing marital counseling because when you help a couple, you help their whole family and you know their kids are learning to see a healthier marriage that they will be able to emulate when the times comes.  Think about the marriage your kids are seeing before you write off the idea of counseling. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, If You Are A Man Who Does Not Understand What Romantic Means, I Can Help You And You Can Improve!

PS Here is my romantic husband for all of you who like to follow my relationship.  1.5 years married! 🙂


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