If you’re a faithful reader of this blog or observer of your own sex life, it is likely obvious to you by now that women’s libido drops precipitously within monogamy. Even the approximately 1/3 of women that I see with higher libidos than their male partners experience this drop, because the hormones of the honeymoon stage have worn off (starting at about 1.5-2 years). But there is a way to circumvent this biological phenomenon that I witness in couples counseling every day. It is called, “If your wife’s body only responds to a new man… become a new man!”
As discussed here, it is well known among couples counselors that people often have more sex once they start talking about divorce. Why? You start seeing your spouse differently. You picture them on the dating market. You see different sides of their character, like how they parent when it’s not your weekend. This may not be enough to make you fall back in love with them, but it’s often enough to make you desire them one more time (or more).
In couples counseling, often the woman is annoyed with and sick of the man. When he comes to couples counseling, he is anxious to make a good impression and/or to get his point across. Often, he interacts with me in a slightly or very different way than he does with his wife. When she observes this, it sparks some curiosity and interest.
Often, the very fact that I laugh at the guy’s jokes (only if they’re funny; I don’t bullshit people in any regard in therapy!) and think he makes some good points is enough to make a woman look at him in a new light. Remember, she doesn’t get to see him at work or talking to other women on a general basis, except their friends of many years. Seeing the way a new person responds to her husband, with respect and attention, is often a boost for many women’s interest levels, even subconsciously. It is the same if I notice that he looks at her with love during the session or I comment on how hard he is working in therapy to save the marriage. This allows her to see him differently and more positively.
A similar thing happens when another woman hits on your husband. Your mate guarding impulse is activated, and you want to take him home and have sex with him to ensure that he doesn’t stray. Same thing when you see your spouse interact with their ex, especially if you feel their ex is still interested in them. Someone told me that Dr. Ruth once said, “Blow him like his ex is watching.” Sadly, this appears to be apocryphal (link me if you can find that this is a real quote though!), but the sentiment is valid and would be very helpful in most marriages, on both ends.
Here are some other ways to turn into a new man that newly interests your wife:
- Work out and get in shape
- Transform your hygiene and fashion sense
- Start being more dominant in bed
- Become a better lover overall
- Start being more sensitive and engaged, aka a good conversationalist and partner (use my date night questions on dates)
- Initiate sex
- Stop caring so much about her every thought and instead be a strong leader
- Use confident momentum
- Start your own therapy to figure out all your own issues and be the confident, centered man that she and your kids will look up to
- Start putting the couple ahead of the kids
- Stop being a jackass if there is a simpler issue at play
And so many more. On the individual therapy point, just interacting weekly or biweekly with an intelligent, engaged person who respects your opinion and challenges you to grow can transform your confidence and ability to interact in new ways with your partner. Very practically speaking as well, wives are fascinated by their husband’s individual therapy and will beg to know what you discussed in therapy (begging of any kind is good, you can work up to her begging for your hot body).
Think deeply about this post. Many men who are frustrated with their wives’ response to them are actually also deeply frustrated with themselves. They are not attracted to their own selves. They feel stuck, boring, passive, and unattractive. If you feel like this about yourself, how can your wife help but feel similarly? If you look at yourself as an interesting guy who is working on himself and interacting in the world in new ways, and growing every day, your wife will likely be very interested in and even attracted to this “new man” in her life.
If this sounds like a big project, try at least to read all the links above in my list during the upcoming week. This in and of itself can be a huge wakeup call and can help you pinpoint areas that you can work on productively. Or else, schedule therapy and see what happens in your life as a consequence, internally and within your relationship. Good luck, stay strong, and till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Change Is Good!