Reader Divorced Mom writes,
I have read in your blog where you encourage people to think about dating apps and that you found success this way. Could you give some guidance on how to navigate dating on apps? From how much to disclose in profiles to how many dates you should give a potential partner if you’re not sure you’re feeling it? There is a lot of rejection that is part of dating on the apps and how can one learn to deal with that?
Thank you. I have a second question on dating with kids – beyond the initial meeting and more how you figure out everyone’s roles and ensure everyone’s needs are met, but I haven’t quite figured out what my question really is.
Dear DM,
I definitely think that people should not settle, ESPECIALLY once they have already had kids. I discuss this perspective in depth here. The wonderful thing about living in 2021 is that there are enough people on dating apps for everyone to find their ideal partner (ideal doesn’t mean the person is perfect, but that you deeply love them). No longer do you, as a divorced parent, have to get a babysitter in order to go out to a bar to hopefully meet a man… but most likely not meet anyone and have wasted your time and effort. Now you can talk to lots of interesting people right from your couch. We are living in the future, guys!
Anyway, literally every client I have ever had that is emotionally open and ready to date can find multiple dates and potential partners on dating apps, and many have begun successful long term relationships this way. Nowadays, I truly feel that there is no human being that deeply and genuinely wants to give love that cannot find someone who wants to receive this love and give love back.
As I discuss here, rejection is part of life and if you’re terrified of being ghosted or rejected to the point that it stops you from wanting to date, this would likely be a deeper issue that should be explored with a therapist. You don’t like everyone, so everyone doesn’t need to like you. Yes, rejection can hurt, but most humans are basically kind and it is very very unlikely that a man will reject you in a sadistic or cruel way. Mostly, things just fade out when someone, either you or the man, isn’t interested.
To reiterate, do not settle. This means: do not go on more than two dates MAXIMUM with a man with whom you don’t click immediately. Chemistry and a spark are literally the only reason you are dating at this stage. Companionship without a spark is meaningless for most (at least pre-menopausal) women and almost all men. After divorce, you have kids already and you support yourself. To be blunt, you don’t need sperm and you don’t need money.
Whatever your partner does or doesn’t do for work shouldn’t matter as long as they can pay their own way with food or travel or anything else (or if you are a high earner and you want to pay, go for it. Viva la equal opportunity. More and more of us women are the primary earners in our old relationship and our new one).
Disclose anything you want in your profile. If you have a job like mine and don’t want to show your face, do some artistic license and just show mostly your body. Guys can ask for more pictures if they like the rest of you and your profile. Don’t bother writing some awesome profile with 15 obscure pop culture references. Write what you are mainly interested in finding and if that includes sex make sure to allude to that. e.g., “Looking for an affectionate, loving, warm partner that likes to hold hands and go down on me.” (You don’t have to say the last part as it’s implied by the rest, but that would be an awesome profile headline and if you use it you don’t have to credit me.)
As I’ve discussed, most divorced guys refuse to get into yet another sexless marriage, as well they shouldn’t, so if you love physical touch, say it. If you do not, then don’t. But if you do want a sexual and passionate relationship, you’re leaving money on the table not to say this up front.
Meet up as soon as possible. If you have anxiety about that or about anything else, get treatment for your anxiety. Anxiety is no way to live the second act of your life and it will prevent you from getting into and maintaining a healthy relationship. (In addition to wanting sex in their second marriage, guys really want people without massive anxiety, as these are the only two reasons I have seen guys leave marriages: no sex and a spouse that’s too anxious and rigid.) I met my now-husband the same day we first exchanged messages. If you need to feel comfortable to get a 45 minute drink with someone then that is ANXIETY and, again, very treatable with therapy if you only admit you have it.
You know if you intellectually click with someone from texting. You only know if you physically click with someone from meeting up. You only know if you sexually click from having sex. If you are waiting more than three dates to have sex DO NOT expect the man who waits this long (in his 40’s) to have an otherwise high sex drive. Rule of thumb:
Guys that are happy to wait for sex in their 30’s and older have one of two issues: LOW LIBIDO or LOW SELF-ESTEEM. If they are very religious and so are you then by third date they should be aiming towards getting married sooner than later or else one of the prior two issues apply (read this).
Dating with kids is a great topic to ask about. I can answer this question more when you flesh it out, but basically the rules are:
- Date someone who knows your kids come first
- Don’t then put your kids first all the time because that doesn’t teach them anything about a healthy adult relationship except how to be miserable and child-focused
So you see, it’s perfect, the man knows you would rescue the kids first out of a burning building but you then show your children a loving and respectful adult relationship. So it’s the same as when you’re in a marriage with kids, actually. Don’t overfocus on the kids but in the first couple dates ensure your prospective partner knows he’s on his own if he and your kids are in a burning building.
If you did not have an affectionate, calm, and secure relationship with your kids’ dad and you can provide them with this now, you are doing them a massive service. You will be providing a template for their later romantic relationships. This is something to be proud of and I am proud of showing my children this every day. If your partner loves you deeply then your kids will grow to love him for this alone, even before they see his other positive qualities.
If your partner acts disengaged from or rude to your kids, lay the smackdown there early as well. If he wants to be with you, he will be kind and engaged with your kids. This article discusses how stepdads shouldn’t try and discipline kids for the first two YEARS they are around, and I think that’s a good rule to follow. Your new boyfriend’s only job is to be kind to the kids and show them that you and he have a loving relationship.
Although your partner should not discipline the kids yet, he may ask for them to do stuff like set the table or help with some other task. Lay the smackdown early for your kids having to respect your partner. If your kids want to be able to ever watch TV again, they will be respectful to your partner. But this doesn’t mean you can’t talk with them alone about their feelings about the new partner. Talk to them a lot, and emphasize that you love your partner and that you are happy they get to see you in a happy relationship and that this can teach them what is important in love relationships.
I wish you the best in dating and if you or anyone else has more questions about dating after divorce, let me know! And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, I Used OKCupid, Guys.