Many people are insecure about dating after divorce. They feel like they will have to settle in many ways and are prepping themselves to moderate their expectations so they aren’t disappointed. I completely disagree with this mindset. While you may have had real-world, evolutionarily-mediated reasons for your first marriage, e.g., your biological clock is ticking, you need to emotionally individuate from your family of origin, your need to focus on career which you could only really do once partnered, your desire for financial or social stability, and so forth (all reasons that are really interesting to explore when you do the post-mortem of why you ended up with your ex), the second marriage is a completely different animal.
As I discuss here, there are certain key areas of compatibility that are essential for second marriages. Two of the ones I mention are romance and sex. There is zero reason to compromise on this for your second marriage. If you are someone who values feeling a “spark,” do not get into a second marriage for companionship alone. You will feel sad, and like you have squandered the second chance you got for happiness. When I see clients settle for dating people with whom they have no real passion, they invariably end up more depressed than they were when they were single.
Furthermore, in their second marriages, most people do not want to have more kids or need a partner who makes/has a lot of money. Note that these are highly linked, evolutionarily, for many women. If you have already had all your kids, as a woman, you do not need to think about what money the man brings to the table because you will not have to be supported by him while you potentially stay home for a few years with kids. That ship has sailed, and you can now work without having to be supported on potential breaks. (Yippee! Constant work! But it does free you from having to consider your partner’s earning capacity.)
If you don’t want more kids, you are also freed up from having to choose someone who will make a good parent but whom you may not deeply click with (read about this in depth here). You certainly have to choose someone who will be a good stepparent, which matters most if your kids are still in the house. But there is a different skill set for these two roles. A stepparent misses the newborn stage which can be hard for highly sensitive people. They may miss the toddler stage and the small child stage too.
This means you don’t have to worry about choosing someone who can get up with a baby in the middle of the night, or who can take care of a house of sick young kids, or who can coach Little League if those things are no longer relevant and/or their biological parent can do them. There is also a lot less housework to split without tiny kids around. All of this frees you up to date anyone you want without worrying about their ability to be practical and care-focused (if you don’t yourself value those traits that much).
For men specifically, if you don’t have to choose someone who can be a good mom to your future kids, you can choose a woman who prioritizes career as much as you do (you might not have done this before out of the desire to have one parent who ran the home as you moved up the ladder). You do not have to worry about someone’s priorities changing after kids, about sex, travel, hobbies or anything else. You can choose more of a self-oriented person than a giver, and this may actually suit you better. (Don’t procreate with a narcissist but they can be fun otherwise especially if you yourself tend the same direction.)
Think deeply about the priorities you have for your second marriage before getting into even a few months-long relationship with someone you don’t immediately feel a spark with. If you are scared of being alone, this is something to explore with a therapist. Single people can find fulfillment in their kids, hobbies, health, and even therapy while they wait for Mr./Miss Right to come along. I pride myself on being pragmatic and not a mantra-reciting Age of Aquarius therapist that insists you should wait for your soul-connection while your fertility wanes. This is why I do not argue with people’s biologically driven desire to mate in time to have kids (and most of these marriages work out fine), especially since this is subconscious for most people and would be vehemently denied as it’s happening.
BUT once that is off the table, then if you’re STILL pairing up with people that don’t make you feel butterflies (and you’re someone who wants butterflies), that is something to introspect about. Everyone who wants a genuine passionate deep connection can find it, especially in the age of dating apps, which give you access to exponentially more potential mates than in any prior generation. I believe this deeply and truly, and if you think you are someone who could never make someone fall in love with them, either come see me or someone else because this is extreme bullshit that you don’t deserve to believe. Everyone deserves to be in second marriages as happy as mine or those of many people I know. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Does, However, Think You Should Let The Sunshine In.