Reader Waiting For Marriage writes,
After years of following (read, lurking on) your page and having read through pretty much all of your blog posts, I have a question that I would love to be answered if you have the time. I read your post on low-libido women and how men should avoid marrying/settling with a woman who hasn’t enjoyed sex before meeting him. But how do I know what my libido is if I’ve never had sex before?
To give you some context, I am a 30 year old Muslim woman, who has abstained from sex because of my faith (I only wish to have sex inside of marriage but have yet to find someone that I want to settle down with). I consider myself practicing and try to avoid situations where I may be tempted to do something I shouldn’t according to my faith.
I’ve had two significant relationships: one in my early 20s which was my first heartbreak and a second aged 29 which lasted a year. In my second relationship, I felt emotionally safe with my partner and we would make out (kiss, heavy petting, some mutual masturbation) but we both drew a line at going all the way because we both wanted to wait ’til marriage. In the end, I decided to call it quits because he was not ready to commit after a year of dating.
After my second break-up, I rebounded with another guy although this was complicated by lockdown. It lasted 2 months and was very exhilarating for me as we couldn’t meet up much in person. I became more sexually open (sending nudes, masturbating by video call, etc.) but not without some guilt as I’d never uncovered my hair, much less my body to any guy before (I wear headscarf). We’d made out once or twice but lack of privacy and also my own reservations on engaging in physical intimacy outside of marriage meant we broke things off. I’ve also had another fling before my second ex, but again it was short-lived and I felt bad for “messing around”.
I believe I have a healthy attitude towards sex and my own sexuality. I know I would love to explore different sexual acts with a partner and when I have masturbated, I do fantasize about different men. I have watched porn (more sensual stuff) although again I try to avoid it because of my stance on the overall negative effects of porn consumption. It has given me ideas of what I would like to eventually try with a partner once married.
I believe communication is essential and with my ex, we had discussed what we would like to try in the bedroom amongst other things. There were times I was pretty sure I would have gone all the way if we’d had our own place but thankfully that didn’t happen.
To reiterate my question is: how do I know how high or low my libido is if I’ve never had sex? Will I be doomed to a sexless marriage if I don’t explore sexual acts before marriage??? I’d prefer to remain a virgin until I find the right guy but after reading your article, I’m worried my lack of inexperience will become an obstacle in the course of finding someone? I’ve waited this long for sex, I want to make sure I get to enjoy it too after all these years of abstinence.
Dear WFM,
I think that your libido sounds healthy. I can’t see any signs that you would be the bottleneck for intimacy in a future relationship, although you never know how you will deal with actual sex unless you’ve had it. However, you seem to have a healthy sex drive and are openminded, particularly given that you were raised to be religious and to abstain from sex.
The only issue would be on the other end, if you decide to marry a good man who is a good provider, nice person, and will be a good father, but who does not like to discuss sex or fantasize with you. If sex is important to you, and so is marrying someone in your faith, but you want to ensure that your future husband will be an enthusiastic and sensual partner, I would also look for someone divorced or widowed instead of never married. To put it simply, if a guy in a culture where you’re not allowed to have premarital sex has a high sex drive, he is going to get married on the young side. He is not going to wait a decade to have sex.
Many women in your position who wait for sex till marriage end up with guys who were only comfortable with waiting because they didn’t really value or need sex. They don’t openly state this or even really know it about themselves. They think they are just good and devout. But in reality, guys with high sex drives who feel there is no option but marriage for sex just want to get married sooner. When they can wait, it usually means they can wait once they are married as well, and will not initiate much and may even condescend to sex or physical touch in a gender-inverted version of this post.
Despite that you yourself are 30 and unmarried, I don’t necessarily think this indicates a lack of sex drive on your part the way it would for a guy in the same situation. The religious Muslim women I’ve worked with have explained to me that it is harder for a woman to find a marriageable partner with every increasing year. The men have more options as they can always date younger. So, a guy with many options who still chooses to marry late in your culture has a higher chance, in my opinion, of not valuing sex or really any intimacy enough to get married in order to be intimate. This is a bad sign if you want a man who will value sex with you after marriage.
Incidentally this is the same story with secular guys who are content to wait a while before having sex when dating. If someone deeply values sex then they are just not going to date someone endlessly before having sex. Women who are trained to fear men and think of men who want sex as “bad” often make men wait forever to have sex as a test of their love. All they are really testing is whether the guy can wait forever for sex, which is an indicator of a low sex drive rather than an indicator of a really nice guy. This is especially true in today’s day and age where marrying a “nice girl” doesn’t mean you can’t expect sex before marriage. When these women marry their patient partners and expect a great sex life, they are often very very disappointed (kind of like people who get married after long distance relationships).
If you did, however, grow uncomfortable reading this post and wonder if maybe you do have a guard up around sex and around closeness in general (one hint: you have had many many dates and meetings with men and are considered very “picky”), therapy could help you figure out if there are other reasons that you haven’t settled down yet. Your early heartbreak may have predisposed you to trust issues, and if you by any chance did not see happily married parents, this would be another reason that you could subconsciously fear marriage just as much as you consciously yearn for it. These would be good things to introspect about.
Thanks for writing in, and keep me posted! Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Beware Of Partners Who Are Too Cool With Not Having Sex Especially If You Value Sex.