I work with many male clients, both individually and as part of a couple, that do not understand their wives at all. While people differ in their ability to empathize for many reasons, they frequently have a common denominator of having mothers who did not share their deeper thoughts, emotions, life stories, and motivations. These mothers were not all cold or distant, although certainly some were. Many of them were depressed or anxious, or had very low self-esteem and therefore didn’t think their thoughts were important or interesting enough to share, or were struggling with stressful lives that they didn’t want to burden their child by discussing. But, if a child, especially a son, does not hear anything about his mother’s inner life, it is much more challenging for him to understand women, and most importantly, his wife, later in adulthood. How can you, as a mom, best set your son up for success as a husband later on?
There are many things that go on in mothers’ heads that they share more with daughters than with sons. Often, because a boy seems more activity-oriented than talking-about-feelings-oriented, a mother will conclude that he is uninterested in what she thinks or feels. Since their daughters talk more about their own feelings, generally, moms can see that as an invitation to discuss themselves in a way that they don’t think to do with their sons.
Also, women have more conflictual relationships with their daughters, for myriad reasons. When you have an argument, both parties tend to discuss their thoughts and feelings. This may make mother-daughter relationships more stressful than mother-son relationships, but at least it gives the daughters more insight into their mothers’ minds and hearts. Mothers also don’t see themselves as direct role models for their sons in the way that they do for their daughters, who they can see as little versions of themselves. Especially if a dad is in the picture, moms often assume incorrectly that the adult male in their son’s life is the main role model and their own role is more of a caretaker.
Sons watch both parents to figure out how to interact in the world as adult males later on. Yes, they certainly directly model their behavior and speech on the adult males that they encounter. But, in terms of figuring out communication, emotions and all aspects of interpersonal interactions, their mother is key. When a woman doesn’t discuss much of her own inner life with her son, this can be almost as bad as when a mother discusses every single thought she has with a son in a developmentally inappropriate way, as narcissistic mothers do with “surrogate-husband” sons.
I have discussed mothers who overshare and paint themselves as sad victims. This is emotionally abusive and dysfunctional. But, just as parents should generally discuss more than they think they should with kids about “adult” topics (read more here), mothers should generally err on the side of sharing MORE of their inner thoughts and feelings than they think they should with their sons.
Here are some guidelines for what TO talk about:
- Your own experiences as a child, including the hard ones
- Your love language (my kids know mine is physical affection and another is quality time) and what your child’s is as well (a quiz for kids is here)
- What is deeply important to you and why, in terms of daily choices and life choices
- Your values and why you believe them
- What you’ve changed your mind about over time
- How you felt when you were their age
- Your mental health issues in an age appropriate way (e.g., to an elementary schooler, explain that when you lay around a lot in the winter, that’s seasonal depression and you take Zoloft for it)
- That you work hard for money, or your spouse does, and money is important because of XYZ and your thoughts on saving and spending
- Why you like the TV shows or books you like
- Which positive aspects of you are similar to your child (find some right now if you don’t think there are any)
- The story of how you met your spouse and how you decide to marry and have kids
- What you were like before kids
And here is what NOT to talk about:
- Harrowing details of your abusive childhood
- Issues with your co-parent; do not ever talk badly about their other parent!
- Which child you prefer
- How ugly or fat you supposedly are
- Why Daddy doesn’t make you happy
- Why Daddy’s parents suck
- That Daddy cheated on you and that’s why you cry all the time now*
- Histrionics about finances like, “We’re going to end up on the street if Dad keeps spending”
To summarize, tell your son all the things about you that would help him understand who you deeply are and what you think about (but tell him at an age appropriate level). Assume he is interested, and also prompt him with what to say to be kind and courteous and express interest. Even if he is not interested, he will be learning how to interact in a respectful and loving way with his wife later in life (or his partner of any gender).
Here is how this can go:
8 year old son: *just sitting there having a snack*
Mom: Hey, you know, I was thinking I want to paint this house. I hate the beige on the walls. In the last house, your dad did a lot of painting because I like bright colors. That was nice of him.
Son: *nothing*
Mom: Wasn’t that nice of Dad? He really cares about what I like the house to look like.
Son: Yeah it is.
Mom: Yeah, do you want to know what else?
Son: What else?
Mom: I think I will help him out this time because last time I was pregnant when he did it but this time I feel like I want something creative to do. I like being artistic, I always have liked it.
Son: *nothing*
Mom: I’m pretty artistic right? I used to be. Like the collage I made for your room, you like that, right?
Son: Yeah, I do, it’s nice.
In this little interaction, the son is learning a few key points that will help him to be a self-aware, loving and responsive partner later on. He can’t articulate them yet, but he is absorbing the following:
- Mom likes to be complimented, that is a nice thing to do.
- Every interaction isn’t about me
- Mom is a person who likes when her partner does things around the house to make her happy; maybe all moms are like this
- Mom has a way she thinks about herself (creative) and likes when others recognize it
- Mom is confident about herself and even if I have never thought for two seconds about the collage, it seems to be a good thing to say I like it, so no skin off my nose
These are all invaluable lessons that will make this little boy into a more present and less self-centered partner. Contrast this with the usual way this would go in our culture of overfocusing on kids:
Son: *just sitting there having a snack*
Mom: Hey buddy! Do you like that snack? If not, I have 15 others you can try. I was thinking of painting the house but I wanted YOU to help pick out the color! I was thinking blue but I’m open to whatever you and your sister really like!
Son: Blue is ok.
Mom: Okay, great! Blue like the collage I made you in your room. Do you like that? Or maybe it’s not exactly what you would have picked for yourself?
Son: Yeah, I like pictures of space robots.
Mom: Okay let’s just start a dumpster fire with that collage, my self esteem and your wife’s future happiness! But stand back, buddy! You don’t want to get too overheated!
I joke but honestly not really. If you want your son to respect and understand women and be a loving, emotionally generous and responsive partner later on, make sure that he understands:
- I need to listen to people talk about themselves
- I need to be nice about it
- If people love me and I love them, I should try and listen and understand them
- I should default to being kind and even complimentary about things that I am either positive or neutral about
What about the case that would really stick in the craw of today’s parents where (hope you’re sitting down for this one) THE SON DOESN’T LIKE THE COLLAGE OR EVEN THE COLOR BLUE? Guess what, because you learn to be nice and accommodating about stuff like paint colors or you compliment some collage your mom made that looks like crap doesn’t mean you will let the world steamroll you. It just means you know how to be a kind person to someone with whom you have a loving relationship. The same woman who tells her husband “Just agree with me and stop playing devil’s advocate” will turn around and tell her son how clever he is to tell her that her opinion is wrong or even stupid. I wonder how much his wife will coo over that type of cleverness.
Try out talking about yourself positively (here’s how to do that about body image, by the way). Share your thoughts and feelings. Train your son how to respond kindly and courteously to someone sharing emotions with them. And this will make you World’s Best Future Mother In Law. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Happy (or Sad) Marriages Start In Both Partners’ Childhoods.
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*A lot of the time, people say, “But don’t my kids deserve to know the truth about their dad?” No, they do not, because that is not the sole truth about their Dad but it can become that way in their minds if they are given this terrifying and disorienting way to conceive of him.