Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, pictured below, is widely known in popular culture. To summarize, we start at the bottom of the pyramid, and only when each need is fulfilled can we move up the pyramid and try to fulfill the next one. The four lowest levels were terms “deficiency needs” because they bring someone up to baseline; you only worry about them if they are lacking. For example, people do not generally feel happy and fulfilled by having a food, but if they are hungry, they are certainly anxious about it. These deficiency needs comprise physiological, safety, social, and ego needs. However, the top level of the pyramid was deemed a “growth need,” because only this can allow people to fulfill their true potential. Not everyone who meets their four lower level needs can self actualize though; it is rare because it requires a lot of internal work.
I often think about couples as having a similar hierarchy of needs, with the relationship being the unit in which the needs can be filled rather than the self. Pyramids may look different for different couples, but it is useful to understand what each partner conceives of as deficiency needs versus growth needs. A lot of the conflict between partners can be attributed to the fact that each person think of baseline needs versus higher-order needs differently. Additionally, people can conceive of their relationship pyramids differently at different stages of their lives and of their relationships.
For instance, a young woman with a newborn baby may have very different needs from her partner/relationship than an older woman with adult children. The young woman is likely concerned about physiological needs and safety needs more than self-actualization. Her husband can fulfill these needs by getting up with the baby, bringing home a paycheck, and doing housework. When this same woman gets to a different stage, she may be much less focused on these levels and want to move toward a more attuned, emotionally and mentally connected partnership. Enter this couple.
For many people, physical affection is the lowest and most basic pyramid level; I tend to agree because I situate sex/physical affection as a basic human need, like food or shelter, that helps keep the species alive. When a partner who perceives sex this way is coupled with a partner who dismisses this need, it can be cataclysmic for the relationship. Similarly, another basic human need is emotional closeness; this is borne out by research on failure-to-thrive babies in orphanages who die despite getting food and shelter. Most non-avoidant people put this one on the basic level as well.
Couples have very different conceptualizations of what actualization would entail for their relationship. Some people cannot feel truly fulfilled unless they feel they and their partner are aligned on political values. Some people want their sex life to be more adventurous. Some want to be allied on financial goals and ensure their children are well taken care of. Some want all of these and more. Other people are happy being fairly different and leading parallel lives; these people are unlikely to want to have discussions about the relationship in the first place.
Introspect about what needs you would place at different levels of your relationship needs hierarchy, and discuss with your partner if they are interested. It can be a new way to understand why you and your partner may frustrate one another deeply. Note that many people don’t think that the theory of “love languages” really goes deep enough to help their relationship. Thinking of certain areas as “needs” versus “preferences” may be a helpful lens through which to understand your satisfactions and dissatisfactions within your relationship. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Your Partner Totally Loves To Get Links To My Articles Even Though It May Not Seem Like It! Really!