Reader Alone In Bed writes,
I’m a long-term reader and I absolutely love your content and blog. I read every article you write even if it doesn’t necessarily apply to me. I have written in the past once about a tumultuous relationship with my ex. But that is in the past and now I have a another question I hope you might be able to answer and/or provide advice on:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now and recently decided to move in together. That transition happened last week so it’s still pretty new for all parties involved. We went from two apartments to a large house where his son has his own game/den room, bedroom and access to a computer in an office (so a pretty sweet gig). His son is 11 years old.
In the previous living situation, my boyfriend and his son had one bedroom that they shared – usually they only slept together when my boyfriend was not working and he had his son; he works nights so usually my boyfriend is coming home when his son is waking up. My boyfriend assured me he did not think this would be an issue when we started sleeping together at night. We have had some pretty serious issues with his son not wanting to go to bed when the adults are up, and we both work shift work/nights and don’t go to bed at 10:30 pm.
Now my boyfriend and I share a bedroom and his son is having issues with it. He’s been asking his dad to come in and sleep in his bed at night instead of in our shared bed. I can tell my boyfriend feels guilty about this and wants to keep everyone happy. He has gone in and laid down with son once this week, and fell asleep. I absolutely understand this but deep down I am 100% opposed to my boyfriend choosing to sleep in the bed of an 11 year old. He seems to be well beyond the age that he needs dad sleeping with him.
Does this make me a monster? I am not a parent myself and therefore feel guilty for having any sort of feelings about this. I am seeking out therapy with this issue specifically in mind and helping the kiddo transition. I expressed my boyfriend that I absolutely want us all in couples/family therapy but I can tell that he is a little bit hesitant and has a lot on his plate.
Dear AIB,
Like many divorced parents, it seems like your boyfriend feels very guilty about the impact of the divorce on his son and is trying to compensate with special treatment. It is hard for him to set boundaries about bedtime, sleep arrangements, and I would bet lots of other things as well.
Since the son falls asleep fine when his dad works at night, this is not an issue of the son being scared to sleep alone. Instead, the son expressly wants his dad to choose him over you. He wants reassurance that things between him and his dad will not change now that you are on the scene.
Unfortunately for your boyfriend’s son, things will have to change, and he may suffer some distress in the short-term. But from a long-term perspective, this new arrangement can be great for your boyfriend’s son. Not only can he remain close with his dad, but he can be a part of a new family, have a nice new living arrangement, grow close to a step-mom figure, and observe a healthy and functional adult intimate relationship between you and his dad. Now we just have to get there.
I suggest that you talk to your boyfriend again about counseling, and look for a therapist that focuses on blended family issues. Your boyfriend needs to understand that being permissive with his son will not fix anything, and will in fact lead to conflict with you and in your new family in general.
The son needs to view a separation between his dad as a dad and his dad as a partner to you, so that he can learn one day how to be in a healthy adult relationship when he is a grown man. The more that your boyfriend picks the son’s side over the side of the couple, the more confused the son will be about healthy boundaries. This will not hold him in good stead with future partners or even with his own future kids.
Your boyfriend needs to understand that it is doing a disservice to his son to allow him to call the shots about his bedtime, sleeping arrangements, and so forth. Permissive parenting makes children feel anxious; they need to know that adults are in charge and are looking out for them. Authoritarian parenting, which is both warm and firm, is associated with the healthiest outcomes in children. A skilled therapist may be able to convey this to your boyfriend, or maybe he would listen to you if you approach him in a non-attacking and collaborative way.
Note: It is possible that this entire issue will resolve itself within the next few months or even weeks, since it is so early in the transition. But if it continues, the need for a therapist (or at least a serious conversation between you and your boyfriend) will grow more pressing.
On your end, no matter what, continue to be kind and loving to your boyfriend’s son. Your only issue here is with your boyfriend, not him. The son is doing what any child would do in his situation: trying to reassure himself that he’s still his parent’s priority. Speak to your boyfriend about parenting issues only when the son is not around. When he is around, try your best to be warm and loving, and if you get frustrated, excuse yourself and spend some time alone or doing something productive elsewhere in the house.
Good luck, and keep me posted. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Boundaries Are Beautiful.