10 Non PC Things I Have Learned About Relationships From Couples Work

Reader You Can’t Handle The Truth writes,

I am curious about what you really think about couples dynamics versus what you have to put out there in order to appeal to people without offending anyone.  For example, you can’t say that guys just want more sex without anything deeper to it than that, but that is the case for many of the unhappily married men I know.  Or that women are unhappy when their husbands don’t make a lot of money, again the case from what I see.  Everything can’t be about lack of communication or attachment styles, right?

Dear YCHTT,

You are not dissimilar from many clients I have seen who were not happy with prior therapists because they felt that these therapists lived in a dream world of infinite subjectivity where there are no objective truths and communication issues are to blame for all marital unhappiness. I 100% agree with you that not everything is about communication or attachment styles, and let me note that you may be missing the large number of posts on my site that discuss how important sex is for men.  Overall, I think that forthrightness is my strong suit as a therapist in general, but I will try to sugarcoat even less than usual to answer your questions.  Here are 10 non-politically correct, 100% honest observations I have made about couples’ dynamics over my decade plus of couples counseling.

1. You are right, the majority of women value men who are good financial providers.  This doesn’t mean he has to be a millionaire or even close, but there is a lot of value in finding a man who can hold down a job.  This means that he is competent, practical, and can support you if you want to take time off with your kids.  For second marriages or older people who aren’t in the baby/young kids stage of life, women care a lot less about how much money the guy makes (except this woman).  Women also like smart and savvy men, and many women are turned on by power.  If a man is good at his job, this is a proxy variable for intelligence and power. Basically, women want a man they can respect, and many women find a man’s career success to be a signifier of the man’s worth and value as a member of society.
2. Many couples are happier when the man makes more money than the woman.  Here are a few reasons why: women want to stay home with kids more often (at least nowadays, who knows what the future will hold if gender roles become more flexible), women use “making a lot of money” as a proxy variable for intelligence and competence as I discussed in regards to career in #1, and, to be totally honest and non-PC, there are many women who do not allow themselves to admit marital unhappiness because they are scared they cannot provide for their kids well enough on their own, or even with child support.  This is not true happiness, but anxiety and resignation masquerading as happiness. In cases where women are subconsciously staying married for financial security and then start to out-earn their husbands, they often experience a seismic shift in their willingness to stay in an unhappy marriage.
3. Men value sex both for the sake of sex itself and as an expression of love.  Men do not want just to get their rocks off, a misconception that you may share with many wives who dismiss their husbands as animals who just want sexual release.  Men know how to masturbate and this is what they would do if orgasm was the only goal.  A passionate, mutually enjoyable sex life is not about a man’s need for sexual release.  Men want to bring their wives to orgasm as much if not more than they want to achieve orgasm themselves.  Physically satisfying a woman is a major part of most men’s identity and self-esteem.  This is why women who have sex without enjoying it are not actually doing anything positive for their marriages.  Realize too that it is not PC to say that many if not most men express love via sex; it is the God’s honest truth.
4. Men value physical attractiveness and physical fitness in their spouses a great deal more than they are supposed to admit.  Being with an attractive woman makes a man proud of himself and happier in his own skin.  Men who think their wives are beautiful are happier than men who don’t, all else being equal.  Research bears out that in relationships where the woman is more attractive than her husband, both spouses are happier.
5. BUT HEY, guess what, women also value physical attractiveness and physical fitness in their spouses a great deal more than they are supposed to admit.  Out of all the people I see individually, more women than men are unhappy that their partner has gained weight. I think this is because women have a stronger disgust response, particularly as regards sex and bodies.  Their sex drives within monogamy are not as hormonally strong as men’s, so they can be more easily derailed by something they do not find physically ideal.  They also are more disgusted by poor hygiene or odor of any kind.  Lastly, they hate when their partners dress sloppily (something I also hear from men).
6. Women are generally more verbally critical than men, and our society unfortunately says this is okay.  There is this toxic “Everyone Loves Raymond” type of dynamic I see in many marriages, where a woman is endlessly condescending to and critical of her husband, and he’s supposed to shut up and take it and then be grateful when she metes out a trickle of affection/sex.  More women criticize their husbands’ parenting, clothes, behavior, and so forth than vice versa.  This dynamic, if not addressed, leads to a toxic environment where the man dissociates/becomes a man-child and the wife becomes an angry martyr (like this).
7. Women like take-charge men… but how can they get them given #6?  This is a true conundrum.  Women are turned on by assertive men who make decisions and go after what they want, but men are trained to take the back seat to women in every household decision, and this is often easier for them short-term, particularly if they are conflict-avoidant.  This dynamic leads to many women complaining about their passive husbands, while the men think that every time they try to take the reins of any household direction or decision-making, they are summarily shot down.  In couples counseling, we often have to work on men stepping up more WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY their wives must focus on stopping the endless critiques.
8. The vast majority of people who are self-righteously faithful just haven’t been in the right/wrong circumstance.  People who judge others’ infidelities, just like people who are judgmental about anything else, generally have a profound failure of imagination.  Most of the clients I see who have cheated did not intend to do so.  They fell in love or lust with someone else in an unexpected and cataclysmic way. Esther Perel’s book The State Of Affairs illuminates how this can happen despite people’s best intentions.  Also, there isn’t always something “wrong” with the marriage (or with the unfaithful partner) in order for infidelity to occur.
9. Women’s sex drives and general mood within monogamy are, in larger part than you realize, hormonally-driven.  The vast majority of women that I see (who aren’t on hormonal birth control) feel sexual desire in the week before ovulation and profound irritation with their spouses in the week before their period.  Ignoring hormonal explanations for both positive and negative feelings about your partner is a good way to put your head in the sand and deny the existence of real variables that, if understood, can help you navigate your relationship much more mindfully and objectively.  Read the book Moody Bitches to better understand the impact of physiological and hormonal variables on women’s mood.
10. And, hormones massively impact men as well.  When men are tired, depressed, irritable, and have no sex drives, low testosterone is often at play.  There is literally no sense in looking at marital conflict from a purely psychological lens.  Biological variables set the entire stage on which the marital psychodrama plays out.

Hopefully this list has assured you that I do not believe that “communication issues” can be vaguely invoked to explain couples’ dissatisfaction and conflict.  There are many real-world, specific, concrete biopsychosocial contributors to the dynamic in any marriage, happy or unhappy.  Readers, share this list with your partner to open up a discussion on which ones apply to your own relationships and how you can better address/ameliorate their impact.  And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Is Not Even That PC, At Least For A Therapist.