My boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years and we moved in together recently. I thought we were doing pretty well, despite the expected smaller fights that occur when a couple moves in together. I even started fantasizing about marriage.
Then, we hit a rough patch. I felt that he wasn’t really present and that he just wasn’t trying as hard as I was. He started going out with his female colleagues, or just doing anything with anyone, just not me. I felt betrayed. I started pushing him even harder, complaining all the time, because I had this idea of what our relationship should look like in my head. Finally, he snapped. He said he wasn’t sure how he felt about me anymore, that he felt like we moved in too soon, that he’s struggling with mental health and that he might be better off alone.
To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I had no idea about any of these thoughts and feelings of his. He had never shown any signs of feeling that way. Nevertheless, we decided that we wouldn’t give up and would try again.
The very next day, he started acting as if nothing had happened. On the other hand, I am dying from anxiety because I am not sure how to act. Should I give him more space? If I do what he wants, will he be happier? Or should I try taking initiative with planning activities? Should I try communicating more? I am just scared of all of this happening again.
As you can see, I really need your help!
Dear IEW,
The nickname I gave you isn’t just a Whitney Houston song or a way to show how old I am. It is a reference to the fact that far too many young women, myself years ago included, waste a lot of time and effort on men whose mouths are literally forming the words “I CANNOT COMMIT TO YOU.” (And for reference, here’s some posts about women in your same boat.)
I understand that you feel you were nagging and pushing your boyfriend, and you are hoping that is the reason for his explosion. Sure, maybe you are annoying to deal with because of your own attachment issues, like in this post. However, you are not the main problem here, from what I can tell. The main problem is that your boyfriend is outright telling you that he is not happy, has mental health issues, and is conflicted about living together. If you ignore or minimize what he said, you will likely regret it later.
I am not going to suggest couples counseling, because if there is anything I have figured out after 10 years in private practice, it is that if you have issues about commitment that are significant enough to necessitate couples counseling prior to marriage, they will invariably crop up once you’re actually married. And then you’ll be thinking, “Why didn’t I recognize I should have ended things back then?” Instead, I urge you to think about why you have stayed with this guy for 3.5 years without living together (unless you’re 25 or younger) when I am willing to bet you would have been ready to move in together years ago. And also, why are you “dying from anxiety” trying to think of ways to make this man happy?
I am willing to guess that your anxiety about keeping your boyfriend around and happy derives from attachment issues from your own childhood. It is likely that one or both of your caregivers were emotionally unavailable and unable to express their feelings verbally. Being involved with emotionally unavailable people is familiar to you, which doesn’t mean you like it, but you are subconsciously drawn to this dynamic. As imago theory predicts, you have now found an emotionally unavailable partner, like a parent was, and are now highly invested in trying to change him in ways you could never change your parent. This type of setup hardly ever works out. Mostly, you just end up feeling frustrated, anxious, and lonely.
I suggest that you start seeing an individual therapist who can help you explore the origins of your preoccupied attachment style, and how to interact in healthier ways with partners in the future. But while you wait for the first appointment, introspect deeply about why you are so committed to staying in this relationship despite the man directly saying that he is ambivalent about it. When I was at your age and stage, I was incredibly anxious about not finding the “right” man with whom to create the perfect family that I never had and the perfect marriage that I never saw. Perhaps this resonates with you.
Either way, I wish someone had told me to wait until I found someone who wanted to commit to me with the same full heart and the same level of enthusiasm with which I wanted to commit to them. This is the advice I give you, in the hopes that you will consider it, and in the hopes that other people in your situation will consider it as well. It is better to be alone than to be in a situation where you’re trying to convince someone to commit to you.
I wish you the best of luck, and please keep me posted. Until we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Going Out With Female Colleagues When You’re Home Alone Is A Bad Sign.