Reader Suspicious writes,
I know someone who met a wonderful and charming man who swept her off her feet and treated her like a princess. He’s turned into a monster, 15 years and 4 kids later. It got me thinking, are all guys charming or are there warning signs of someone being too perfect? Too loving and wonderful? As if dating weren’t confusing enough anyway, what can we tell our daughters?
Dear S,
You raise a good point. We know about the guys who are frogs and turn into princes, but there are just as many charming and adoring princes who turn into callous and self-centered frogs. Most of the time, people who can be extraordinarily charming are one of two things:
- Extremely socially adept natural extroverts who just love people and are comfortable around them
- People who had dysfunctional childhoods and learned to be highly attuned to others’ needs because they had to be, in order to cope with a parent who had unpredictable or frightening mood changes, here’s an example of a kid I think might grow up to be charming, from watching his mother and dealing with her.
This means that there is no way to say that a guy who is super charming is necessarily secretly troubled, or even that the second type of person wouldn’t make a good husband, especially if he were aware of why he’s so attuned to people. It’s kind of like this question about whether narcissists plan elaborate marriage proposals; maybe some elaborate proposals are planned by narcissists, but just as many are planned by kids who wistfully watched their parents’ marriages deteriorate and want to make their own marriage awesome and romantic.
But don’t worry, there are always, and I mean always, red flags when it comes to spotting narcissists. It is pretty much a myth that people flip entirely from one persona to another after marriage, unless they are actual sociopaths. The red flags may be less obvious than the excessive charm, but they are still there. Charming narcissists will likely also be controlling, condescending, self-absorbed, and the like, all while planning romantic dinner dates and surprise vacations. They may even tell you what to wear to these romantic dates and vacations, and make sure that you work out at the hotel gym after you eat your decadent dessert. Narcissists may imply that your friends or family members, or your plans for the future, or even your pets, are stupid or irritating. There are many other red flags which I summarize in this list.
So, while “charm” in and of itself is not a specific marker of undercover “monster”-hood (more likely vampire-hood, as narcissists are discussed in the book Emotional Vampires), there are many more obvious indicators. However, it is likely that a woman who is being “swept off her feet” in a way that garners envy and approval from family and friends will avert her eyes to these red flags, because she doesn’t want to recognize that her fairy tale may not be so perfect. That is likely what happened to your friend, but don’t mention it, since she probably doesn’t want to hear it from you.
Best of luck to your daughters in finding good guys one day, and more importantly, in being confident people that will allow themselves to see early signs of dysfunction rather than preferring to get married at all costs. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, I’m Telling You, Some Of Your Friend’s Untold Stories About Courtship Include A Bunch Of Red Flags.