Reader Ignoring Signals writes,
I’m in a long distance relationship. Our main fights have been caused by my insecurities about the relationship. I was a secure partner, but ever since we made the transition to long distance, my life has been flipped upside down with getting a mortgage, and issues with my job security. I started to put all my focus and energy on the relationship.
May was tough for me. I lost my job and I had to give my girlfriend extra space because she was studying for a test. I was looking for reassurance this whole month and wasn’t getting much. I felt her fading and fading. We had a big argument and I asked her if she even loved me. This was after she went out and told me a lesbian girl kissed her on the neck. I took it too personally and I told her I was disappointed.
Also, she is in dental school and has a kid. So her focus has never been on me. I understand that. We had a talk and she said I needed to focus on myself that she couldn’t do this anymore. I agreed and I said you have a big month ahead of you, you can’t have the pressure of the relationship. Anyway, I haven’t contacted her in a week. I’ve been really focused on myself. She will come back in July and we will probably talk then since we have a wedding and that will probably be if we cut off for good or not.
All signs point that she is preparing herself to not see me. Deleting my Facebook post on her wall and deleting our profile pictures. Bottom line is I want to marry her and be her daughter’s step dad one day. I understand in order for this relationship to work I have to focus on myself while she is in dental school. I’m ready to fully commit to that.
How do I get her back so I can prove that I can lessen the relationship pressure but still be here for her?
Dear IS,
I am sorry to say that the odds aren’t good here. I get questions a lot from people who ignore lots of red flags, up to and including the person breaking up with them, like here and here. Your girlfriend has told you outright that she can’t be in the relationship anymore. She is also following through by deleting social media evidence that you are together. At this point, the relationship is over.
As you note, she is in school and has a child. She probably knows her own mind, and is an adult woman who has told a partner that the relationship is over. Unless you want to seem pushy or disrespectful of her boundaries, there is no way for you to approach her again. If she wants to be with you, she knows where you are and how to reach you. She will even see you at an upcoming wedding. So, let her be in the driver’s seat. If she wants to get back together, she will reach out, and if not, do not push it.
I believe that you were secure at first in the relationship because you were in the honeymoon stage. But your jealousy came out at the first provocation, which your girlfriend may have recognized. For future relationships, it would be helpful to go through counseling and think about ways that you were raised and why you get jealous quickly. I know you say you’re focusing on yourself now, but you’re also writing in to me with this question. I believe that you need to work on understanding your own implicit attitudes about relationships and your trigger points if you want to have a more successful and securely attached relationship in the future.
You can read about attachment here; you guys ended up in the classic pursuer-distancer relationship. If you continue to play the pursuer in relationships, you will create other distancers, and never end up fulfilled and happy. It is likely that you observed this dynamic between parents growing up, or other adults in your life. Therapy can help, as can reading the book Getting The Love You Want. I wish you the best, and keep me updated. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Listen To People When They Break Up With You.