Reader Dating A Teenager writes,
My boyfriend (30) and I (27) have been together a few months, although it feels like I’ve known him forever. I really like how sweet he is, very generous and respectful. We have tons of fun together and he balances my controlling, organized nature with his spontaneous laid back personality.
In the past few years it seems that I have dated guys where I’ve had to choose between very nice but zero chemistry physically, or being super attracted but seeing no future due to different values. It’s nice to finally be with someone who is the right mix of both. I am starting to think about our future together, but I have concerns.
My question is about his lack of independence and drive, and how that may affect our future. We met online, and when we first started talking he told me he was living with his parents to save money while house hunting. Now he is back home for over a year and going through a series of unfortunate events that keep pushing back his timeline for getting his own place (car totaled, identity theft, dad needing help after intense surgery, etc.)
I want to see the best in everyone and be understanding, but this has burned me in previous relationships. I am tired of driving 45 minutes one way to stay at his parents house when his religious mother makes him sleep on the couch. I am tired of only seeing each other on weekends because of a transportation issue that could be easily remedied (he has the ability to make car payments but would rather pay in full for something expensive).
We have talked many times about wanting to live closer to each other and see each other more often, but I am frustrated that he doesn’t make it happen. It seems like something always comes up, and his go with the flow nature doesn’t help much in the way of taking action.
I feel for him in everything he has gone through in the past few years, and I don’t want to add stress. This is the first relationship where I really feel comfortable expressing my needs and wants, so I’m trying to balance that with being respectful of his needs and wants too. I believe that we want the same things, it’s just when and how we get there.
His parents are very involved in his life and I like that he is close with them. They seem to like me and I like them, so that’s not the concern. I wonder if they don’t want him to leave or if he is scared to move out again. Part of the reason I was interested in him initially was because he “had his shit together” compared to many guys around my age (saving for a house, has a stable job, owns a car, etc.) The more I learn about his parents’ involvement in his life (his mom handles his finances, dad is constantly texting) and the more setbacks that happen, I wonder if his lack of independence is going to be a long term issue.
I may be thinking too far ahead, but my biological clock is ticking. I have always dreamed about being married and having kids. I love my boyfriend and can see a great future with him. I just don’t know if my need to plan things out is creating a mountain out of a mole hill by wanting him to get his own place sooner rather than later. Is my issue with his living situation really a sign of bigger problems? Do I give it time or do I need to discuss/reflect further?
Dear DAT,
Your boyfriend sounds like a teenager, which is why I gave you that name. This isn’t like he’s working hard and saving every penny for a home of his own. He’s chillaxing, letting his parents do the heavy lifting of adult life, like finances and I bet paperwork and whatever else. Instead of buying an affordable vehicle, he is saving up for an expensive car. He doesn’t seem to value a regular, adult sex life enough to get out of his childhood home where he’s not allowed to sleep with his girlfriend. It’s kind of like this guy, but worse, because there doesn’t seem to be a parental guilt trip that is paralyzing him… although, actually, when I re-read that “needs help after surgery” thing, there may be something to explore there.
Right now, you and your boyfriend are not at the same stage emotionally, and we have no idea if he will ever get to where you are. You may end up like this woman, or this woman. I discuss how frustrated married women get with partners that they perceive to be passive here and here. You have lots of red flags here. Your boyfriend doesn’t have much get-up-and-go. He isn’t good with money, which leads to the car decision and also is probably why he lets his mom handle the finances.
Also, his parents are overinvolved. They like you now, but if you and your boyfriend got more serious, they may not do well with you being in control of some aspects of their son’s schedule, finances, whatever. They certainly aren’t going to be cool with you living together before marriage if they are religious and currently make you sleep on the couch. Situations with intrusive parents/in-laws can be extraordinarily difficult on marriage.
And then there is how you will handle money. Because you will be the one to handle it and he will be the one who spends it, if current patterns hold. This is another tremendous area of conflict for couples. It leads to resentment and insecurity for the more frugal partner, and resentment and feeling constricted for the more “go with the flow” one.
Overall, unless you’re not planning to marry for ten years, everything is telling me that you need to seriously evaluate the pros and cons of this relationship. The pros are that he’s a nice guy and you click. The cons are all the practical matters. Love can’t conquer all, or there would be barely any divorce. And check out how your relationship may end up here, here, or here. You also may want to read Getting The Love You Want, to figure out why you’re staying with this man-child.
Good luck, and till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, It’s Only Been A Few Months, Go Back On Tinder And Swipe Right.