Reader Back At It Again writes,
Hi, I have written to you in the past (here) but I need advice again. I left the toxic relationship with the man who wouldn’t move out of his disabled mom’s home. Since then I have met a wonderful man through Tinder. He’s everything my ex wasn’t. He treats me like a queen and I’m happy overall.
My ex put me through hell. 18 years wasted. I have muscular dystrophy and he would make comments like who else would want me. I’m extremely self conscious about my physical disability and though my boyfriend says he doesn’t see me as having a problem, we frequent a bar/restaurant where the staff is mostly in our age bracket and younger.
There has been a female server who regularly talks to my boyfriend while completely ignoring me and she stares at me relentlessly. We’ve been fighting because I brought it to his attention more than once and he says it’s all in my head. It angers me because I feel like he’s saying it isn’t happening when I know it is ans I’ve asked him to talk to her about her disrespectful behavior towards me and he refuses saying I shouldn’t care. While I know he’s right, it bothers me a great deal anyway. I have felt like he didn’t believe me or care about my feelings.
Also I had an abusive mother growing up and I continually self sabotage my relationships not intending to. I know I am subconsciously pushing him away because I expect to get hurt. How can I stop? I really want to keep him around for a long time. Thanks.
Dear BAIA,
I am glad you got out of the previous toxic relationship, and I commend you for looking inward when problems are arising again in this new relationship. I believe that your relationship with your mother led to attachment issues, and you now find it impossible to trust people and to be confident in yourself. This woman has similar issues to you. I believe that you have what we call preoccupied attachment, which means that you become focused on whether a partner loves you enough and is committed enough, which is then often perceived as being pushy and intrusive and has the terrible paradoxical effect of making it almost impossible for you to gain the closeness that you so desperately seek.
If you do not see a therapist already, then I suggest you start seeing one now. You need to work through your issues with your mom, and how her abuse, coupled with your medical issues, seems to have left you feeling unlovable and unworthy. Now, even when a man treats you well, you look for signs that he is going to leave you, or that he doesn’t love you “enough,” and you subconsciously set up tests for him that he needs to pass in order to “prove” that he loves you. Yet, no test would ever fully prove his devotion to you, because your need for evidence needs to fill up a void that only your own increased self-esteem could ever fill. Furthermore, these tests leave partners feeling frustrated and irritated, making them act colder, which makes you even more upset. This is a common vicious cycle; I discuss this pursuer-distancer dynamic here.
Incidentally, I do not doubt that this waitress stares at you or that she is focusing on only your boyfriend when she speaks to the two of you. There are many reasons this could be happening, from her being immature and curious about your muscular dystrophy, to her own self-esteem issues and a desire to see if she can get the attention of a man even if he’s with another woman, to the fact that you may be shooting daggers at her through your eyes when you see her and she is staring back. I have no idea, but I am sure you’re picking up on something.
However, whatever she’s doing shouldn’t concern you. What needs to concern you is your boyfriend’s behavior. If he is committed to you and doesn’t flirt with this woman, then you need to trust him if you want the relationship to work. If he is giving her sidelong glances and making excuses to go to that bar on his own, then you need to trust your gut and ask him about it. Your idea, though, of him confronting her for ignoring you or for staring at you, is not a good one. Most men do not want to start an argument with a woman for any reason, and he would be perceived as pretty confrontational and nasty to approach a female server to ask her to stop staring at his girlfriend, unless she was openly mocking you or pointing and laughing.
One suggestion is to go to the bar without your boyfriend, with a trusted friend (a level headed friend, not one who likes drama), and ask her what she thinks of the waitress’s behavior toward you. If your friend doesn’t see anything wrong, this is further evidence that your own attachment insecurity is being activated around this waitress, and that you need to let this issue die. Or if that is impossible, start going to another bar instead. If the friend says that the waitress is staring at you in a mean way, then your solution should still be going to another bar. There is absolutely no world in which your boyfriend walking up to this waitress and confronting her would be a good decision. I believe that subconsciously, you may be wanting this cinematic scene where you finally see that someone loves you enough to “rescue” you from an oppressor. But in reality, this waitress isn’t the oppressor. I believe you are still grieving that nobody showed up to rescue you from your mother’s abuse, and no amount of dramatic faux-rescue scenes now can make up for that grief; it needs to be processed with a therapist and worked through.
Best of luck and continue to keep me in the loop about your romantic adventures. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Remember That Guys Who Are Kind And Gentle Will Not Want To Start Drama With Others.