This podcast episode, When Men Don’t Take Care Of You, was so popular that I felt I should expand on it. Here I discuss how you need to look out for red flags that a man will never take of you; the main red flag is he never takes care of you when dating. In retrospect, you took care of everything from the inception of dating but somehow thought it might change (or you didn’t even think about it because ‘doing everything” was inculcated in you from how you were raised). What are specific behaviors to look for and, more importantly, how can you learn be comfortable with them?
You may be curious what I mean by “how can you be comfortable with them,” but women who were raised to negate their own needs because they were difficult for a self-absorbed or struggling parent to deal with are generally quite uncomfortable with being taken care of or prioritized. They yearn to be cared for, but are so uncomfortable receiving care that they shy away from relationships with “nicer” guys who do this, and are more drawn to guys who replicate the dynamic they have always known, who are themselves self-absorbed or have mental health issues that prevent them from caring for others appropriately.
Acknowledging that your discomfort around receiving care from others may have been at the root of previous poor relationship choices is a big step, and therapy can help you process this as well as post-mortem what has gone wrong in prior relationships and why. Likely, you have enabled a lot of bad behavior because this is the role you are used to, and, moving forward, you will need to work on self-confidence and self-love if you want to get out of the patterns you’ve been stuck in previously.
What are behaviors that indicate that a man will take care of you emotionally and physically throughout the long journey of marriage and parenting? Here are some examples:
- He looks for restaurants/travel destinations that you would like, based on preferences you’ve expressed (note: you may have to work on expressing preferences in the first place if you shy away from this)
- He rubs your feet and back and cares that you are in pain generally
- He offers to do things around your home/for you even before you are living together, e.g., takes your car to be serviced, fixes things, cleans up dishes, helps with all projects, helps with your laundry
- He keeps his own house, car, etc in order and manages his finances
- He is responsible and well respected at work
- He is a good pet parent or big brother/cousin
- He prioritizes your sleep and health (e.g., when you have to wake up for work early, he doesn’t make very late night plans that impact this, he doesn’t wake you up for sex unless you specifically like this, etc)
- He prioritizes your sexual experience and orgasm versus being selfish
- He acts very much in love with you and is romantic if this is your love language
- He gives you compliments about your looks and overall
If some of these ideas make you uncomfortable and you think that you would be too “needy” if you accepted, for example, help with your laundry or your schedule being prioritized, think deeply about why you feel this way. This is usually because you were trained as a kid to minimize your own needs to the point that you barely know what they are. Also, you often saw one parent’s needs being ignored in favor of the other’s, and you are now in the role of the first parent, like this or this. Additionally, think about it: I bet YOU help with your partner’s laundry and chores when dating, and prioritize HIS schedule without asking for the same. If you set this precedent, it will continue.
Note that some selfish men are selfish because of parenting as well as later relationships with other women who deny their own needs, much as you have. If you really love your boyfriend, push back on all these things and see what happens. There is a window for change during dating, when you can truly make an old dog learn new tricks. But later marriage is usually not it.
This article cannot help you make a selfish partner into someone who isn’t, although if you set boundaries and work on your relationship with a therapist, you may be able to change your dynamic. But it can help you spot what is going wrong in your dating relationships and recognize that your own inability to see your needs as relevant is sabotaging you in the long term. Bring this up with your therapist if it speaks to you! Or get a therapist in the first place! And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, You Are Worth Being Cared For.