More and more women I see are the higher-libido partner in their marriage. As discussed in this guest post, it feels hopeless and lonely for women with partners who don’t want sex. All of pop culture tells women that their husbands will be chasing them around for sex, and when this isn’t true, women can feel even more unattractive and pathetic than men in the same boat. This is because their story feels shameful and solitary, and runs counter to the male-as-pursuer narrative that women are fed from romance novels and movies. While rejected men at least recognize that women have lower sex drives overall, rejected women think, “Men have high sex drives, so I must be really pathetic and unattractive if my husband doesn’t want to have sex with me.”
Sometimes women write in asking me for advice about their lower-libido boyfriends. I always tell them to leave, because the situation will only worsen over time. The issue is that many women do not recognize low libido for what it truly is. If you are a woman who thrives on sex and physical touch, do not marry a man who does any of the following during dating:
- Shrinks away from your touch, ever
- Doesn’t want sex when stressed (life will only get more stressful over time)
- Makes fun of sex or your need for sex, as in this article about women who do this to men
- Punishes you even once by withholding physical affection
- Does not hug or kiss you frequently
- Doesn’t give massages
- Has poor hygiene (and/or doesn’t respond to you telling him how to improve hygiene); this means he doesn’t care if you enjoy being physically close to him
- Has hangups about sex (read this)
- Equates sex with respect, e.g., says things like “I wouldn’t have sex on the first date if I really respected a woman” or “I would never marry a woman who had sex with more than X men“
- Doesn’t ensure you orgasm in every encounter (if you want to)
Sex is a significant area of compatibility. Minimizing its importance is dangerous and can leave you feeling trapped and lonely with a partner who is otherwise “good on paper.” It is essential not to fool yourself about how much you value sex and physical intimacy and comfort. Many women are taught that a man should be stable and kind and a good future dad. They feel slutty or stupid choosing a partner based on sexual compatibility, but this is just as important a dimension as any other.
If you feel neglected, rejected, and lonely in your marriage, you are not going to be your best self as a wife or even as a mother. You will feel depressed, anxious, irritable, sad, and angry. If you are someone who loves massages and you never get one, you will feel angry, embarrassed, and in physical and emotional pain. If you want to have sex in the morning and your partner prefers going to the gym or getting a head start on work, you will feel angry and tempted to act out, whether by starting fights or by cheating.
If you never saw your mother pursued sexually by your father, you are at increased odds for getting into a marriage where you are sexually lonely. You do not have a female role model who had a husband who appreciated her and found her attractive. Despite wanting so badly to find a man who lusts after you, you may be familiar with the role of a woman being rejected and looked down on by a man.
Therapy can help if you are a woman who has found yourself in multiple relationships where you are the sexual pursuer, or where you have been outright shamed by your partner and/or consistently rejected for sex. If you are in a committed relationship with or even engaged to a man who acts like this, you need to deeply introspect about why you are in this self-sabotaging situation and think objectively about how unlikely this is to ever get better.
If you are already in a marriage where you are rejected in these ways, couples counseling may be able to help, but it is hard work. I have worked with such couples successfully over the years, but this is tough and honestly, it is a lot easier if you are single right now to commit to prioritizing equivalent sex drives rather than working through a situation like this later on. Also, getting your husband to try testosterone supplementation if he is low T may help even more than therapy. Both together would lead to the best outcomes in my clinical experience. If your husband gets into individual therapy to address any leftover negative sexual attitudes from his childhood (or any past sexual abuse), this can turbocharge any progress made in couples.
Everyone deserves to feel loved and cherished. If you are a woman who needs physical touch, own this part of yourself, and focus on finding one of the many, many men on this planet who will find you appealing and irresistible. (If you think you won’t be able to find one, therapy can help and read this.) Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, If Sex Isn’t Good When Dating, Sayonara.